The best way to tell others who you are when you wear a mask
[NSFW] A black Jewish kid is running back home from school
He asks his father "Dad, am I more black or Jewish?" "Why do you ask?" says the father "Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and was wondering if I should talk him down to $40 or just take it."
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
I was at a restaurant with my wife when a waitress suddenly screamed, “Does anyone know CPR??”
I shouted, "Even better, I know the whole alphabet!" Everyone laughed… Well, everyone except this one guy.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Gonna sell custom made coffins
Slogan: Guaranteed to last a lifetime
John Cena wakes up at a hospital
John Cena: Where am I Nurse: ICU John Cena: No you can’t
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to rent a space together to park our cars.
We have….a lot in common.
The vagina has more than eight thousand nerve endings
But, it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman.
The General replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and General went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the General and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The General looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
I couldn’t decide on how much lettuce to buy, until my wife helped me think it through.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Masturbating
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why father?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.
I’ve got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes. Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes. Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days
Why dont ants get sick?
Because they have anty bodies.
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
People say that I’m a plagiarist
Their words, not mine.
Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason.
Yeah me too.
Words cannot express…
…how limited my vocabulary is.
When I was in college, I was rejected by all fraternities because I was circumcised.
Apparently you needed to be a complete dick.
here’s my best COVID-19 joke:
for the first time ever, I'm hoping you all say "I didn't get it"
My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money.
If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.
My girlfriend said to me last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance…
Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!
Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it. Wife: And when does that part come? Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer. “I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler. “Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman. So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”
What’s the difference between The Sahara and Jello
One is an inhospitalble desert and the other is an in hospital dessert.
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
8 Cyber-Security Blunders told through GIFs
Working in IT can all be very exhausting. For all the chief information security officers (CISOs), IT directors, technicians, and any other IT administrator out there grappling with these complex issues, this blog can hopefully bring a smile to your face on a topic, that can typically be exhausting.https://ift.tt/33YMqDH
Who here believes in telekinesis?
Raise my hand. (Celebrating my first Father’s Day as a dad with my first post in this sub!)
I called my son a bloody disappointment and my girlfriend burst out into tears
Appartently, she's sensitive about her miscarriage
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, “Olympic.” Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife…
"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!" Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!" "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily. "Gold of course!" I said proudly. She retorted, "Really?! Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
6:30 is the BEST time on the clock
Hands down
My son asked me, “Dad, what is coincidence?”
I said, “Weird. I was about to ask you the same thing.”
The guy who invented knock-knock jokes…
…should get a NO – BELL prize.
NSFW
I bought a safe for my home
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Those were the days
I’ve got an advent calendar for Jehovah’s Witnesses…
Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me!