The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife…
Happy Mother's Day!
Someone complimented me from Sweden. I said…
That’s Swede of you
A lady who is cheating on her husband
There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day they are having sex and she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says"oh no! What should we do?!" she says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the livingroom!" Once they're in the livingroom she starts sprinkling baby powder all over him. He says "what are you doing?" She says "I'm making you white like a statue,just stand in and pose,my husband will never know you're real, he's stupid!" Her husband comes in and sees them and says to her "whats that?" She says "Well, me and Mrs. Johnson next door went shopping today. She has one just like it. I liked hers so much she took me to get one." He shrugs it off and goes about his business. That night the boyfriend is still standing in the livingroom in that pose too afraid to escape. He hears the husband wake up and open the bedroom door. The husband walks past him, opens the fridge, pops open a beer and makes a bologna sandwich. He then walks up to the boyfriend and hands him the beer and sandwich and says "Here, I was next door at Mrs.Johnson's house stuck in that position for 2 days and no one gave me anything to eat."
I just said “No comment” all the way through the police interview.
I didn't get the job.
There once was a guy named Dave,
Who dug up a whore from a grave. She was moldy and sh1tty, And only had one titty But look at the money he saved!
Jesus and Moses are golfing in a threesome.
Moses tees off first and uncorks a high sailing slice. The ball plops into the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, Moses walks to the edge of the lake, raises his club, and the waters part. Moses chips onto the green. Jesus tees off next. He blades a worm-burner that heads for the lake, skipping thrice and coming to rest on top of the water. Jesus walks out onto the water and chips onto the green. The third gentlemen hooks the everliving shit out of the ball. It goes into the road, gets hit by a car, ricochets across the fairway to the lake, is gobbled up by a frog, who is snatched by a stork. As the stork flies over the green, the frog spits out the ball, which rolls into the cup. Moses turns to Jesus and says: “I hate playing with your Dad.”
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
I went to see an Egyptian doctor to try and fix my back…
He's a Cairo-practor…
Wife Missing
My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.
Why did the banker push down the old lady
He was checking her balance
Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall.
As he turned and sneered at me, I thought, "that's a little condescending."
What do you call Bigfoot in Europe?
Big Meter.
Found out I was color blind the other day.
That one came right out of the orange.
Why does Frankenstein’s monster have such a good sense of humor?
Because he's always in stitches!
Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..
"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!" The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard. One of the nuns thoughtfully says, -Sister, shall we just write: "Attention, the bridge is demolished?"
Why was the grape arrested?
He did a sult-ana
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita.
They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but Im glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didnt know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadnt missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "Im glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"
I was fired from the calendar factory
How? I took a day off
You’d think the sneeze glitch would’ve been patched by now
You’d think the sneeze glitch would’ve been patched by now
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married.
I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith
I feel awful because I scolded my son after he gave me my 50th birthday card
But part of me feels justified because one would have been enough
The best advice my dad gave me was to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her.
She knows how to make bad decisions, yet stick by them.
Most people mistakenly believe that “Bagger 288” was built for coal mining
Most people mistakenly believe that “Bagger 288” was built for coal mining
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Why do they spell it “honour” and “favour” in the United Kingdom?
Because Rick Astley is British.
A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.
Never knew he was a barber.
Whenever I’m at the therapist’s waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.
Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.
Does this creepy lighter that I found in an antique shop today count as Boomer Humor?
https://ift.tt/37jjVAQ
There were 3 moles living in a hole…
One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."
Pope gets a lesson
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!" The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"