The Biggest Loser, Economic Category
I asked a poor pirate why he had a seagull on his shoulder instead of a proper parrot.
"Arrrr…it were on sail."
My friend bet me ยฃ100 that I couldn’t bulid a car from spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
My friend told me she doesn’t like Roman Numerals because you can’t make puns from them.
I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it
It's true I saw it with my own eyes
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
[NSFW] How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
Itโs not hard.
A Guy Picks Up A Hooker For The First Time.
They come into his house, and he throws off his shoes, and holy Jesus christ almighty his toes! The Hooker Asks: "Oh my god, what is with your toes?!" The guy responds with: "I had TOElio when I was younger" They move on, the guy takes off his pants and HOLY CRAP his knees they're all wrinkly and it's indescribable. "Oh God! Your Knees! What's wrong with your knees?!" "Oh I had KNEEsles when I was younger" She lifts up the bedsheet and says: "Yeah looks like you had smallcocks too"
Did you know Paul walker had real bad dandruff before he died?
Nobody else knew until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
The devil visits a politician and makes him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil says. "I'll get you billions of dollars, unlimited political influence, and anything else you can dream of. All I ask for in return is death, disease and poverty for millions of people around the world." The politician thinks for a moment and says, โWhat's the catch?"
Why did the butcher quit his job and become a cattle rancher?
He wanted to raise the steaks.
I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.
I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.
My wife said we should hire a maid. “The job will get done a lot more often, and they’ll do a way better job!”
Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.
My wife left me because I’m insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?
Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.
Siri kept on calling me Shirley today
I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.
I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no.
She believes I'm only after my money.
The guy who invented the knock knock joke…
Should win a no-bell prize
What do they put in IPhone batteries?
Apple juice
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought
Wow this is ledge โn dairy
Why did the blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well
Best laugh Iโve had in a long time.
So my dog was barking at something outside and I was chilling in my recliner. I called her over to me, looked her dead in the eyes and told her she has barkinsonโs disease. I then burst out in laughter almost falling out of my chair.
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
โWhat are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer. โI use them in my juggling act,โ says the juggler. โOh yeah?โ โLetโs see you do it.โ Says the policeman. So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, โWow, am I glad I stopped drinking. Look at the test theyโre making you do now!โ
What do you call a dinosaurs penis ?
Megalodong
People in I’m r/im14andthisisdeep said that this comic would fit in this subreddit
https://ift.tt/2QFLn5b
Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.
The other letters were not-E.
3 Cowboys NSFW
Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were. The first cowboy says โIโm the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, itโs out for blood. I look him in the eye and I know that itโs me or him. When he lunged, I grabbed him with my bare hands and strangled him to death. And you see these snakeskin boots? I took them as a trophy from my kill.โ The second cowboy responds: โThatโs nothing. One day I was riding around on my horse, than out of nowhere comes out a big, mean bear. The son of a bitch knocks me off my horse, and proceeds to kill my noble steed. I reach for my gun, but he charges and knocks it out of my hand. Heโs got me pinned, snarling at me just waiting to kill, when I manage to break free, get my knife from my boot, and I stab him in the throat. And you see this bearskin cloak? I skinned him myself and keep this as a reminder.โ The two cowboys look to the third, and one of them says โwell what about you? You think youโre tougher than us?โ The third cowboy says nothing, and just continues to sit there, stirring the fire with his dick.
Living with Roommates
If any of you have roommates that you love to death, please don't watch this video. For those of you who have those roommates that drive you up a wall and you are questioning your sanity on a daily basis, please watch this video. Video Link: https://youtu.be/ec2giEHgg4I