The Bird
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting
I said well yea, but people that sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
This morning, I accidentally made my coffee with red bull instead of water…
… I was already on the highway, when I noticed I forgot my car at home…
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Did you hear about the soldier who drank on the job?
He got tanked
A new Navy recruit has just been assigned to his first submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy
As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said; "I would like to buy some cyanide," The pharmacist asked her; "why in the world do you need cyanide?" She said; "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got really big and he exclaimed; "Lord Have Mercy I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law. I'll lose my license,they will throw us both in jail. All kinds of bad stuff will happen. Absolutely not. you CANNOT HAVE ANY CYANIDE." The lady then pulls a picture out of her purse showing him her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says; "Well now thats different You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
As far as disabilities go, being mute isn’t that bad…
But I can't speak for everyone.
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?
It was a Big Mcsteak
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes up John and says, "Watson, what do you see when you look up at the sky?" Watson looks up and says, "I see millions of stars." Sherlock says, "Well, what can you deduce from that?" After a moment's thought, Watson says, "Since there are so many stars,logically some of them must have planets orbiting them. And if some of those stars have planets, logically some must be able to support life. And if some could support life, logically some must. Therefore, I deduce that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?" Sherlock says, "No, Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."
“Hey girl, lets go to my place, we can watch a movie or something.”
"I don't know… do you have any toilet paper there?"
What do websites and people have in common?
They both use cookies to improve their performance
I told my daughter, âMom keeps asking me if Iâm an Alice in Wonderland character and itâs getting really annoying!â She asked, âAre you mad at her?â
âGeez! Donât you start too!â I screamed.
My wife told me to stop being a flamingo..
.. So i had to put my foot down
I accidentally locked myself in a room with nothing but a deck of cards..
I was in solitaire confinement.
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform,
I thought it was a bit odd. Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.
Sex is like math
You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply
I always get confused between bowling and baseball…
But, to be fair, they have striking similarities
A man and his wife are fast asleep in bed when the phone rings…
The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'
I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body
Now I know not to keep the superglue and the lube in the same drawer.
I just found out that âAaarghhâ is not a real word.
I canât express how angry that makes me.
Why do people have their whisky neat instead of on the rocks?
Because it's noice.
Forget everything you learned in college…
You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
The funniest part of any pizza joke…
…is the delivery.
When the earthquake told a joke, nobody laughed.
But the ground was cracking up.
“I dropped my toothpaste!”
…exclaimed Dave, crestfallen.
I donât mind maths.
But it is graphs where I draw the line.
Browsing an animal themed subreddit hopping for good vibs starterpack
Browsing an animal themed subreddit hopping for good vibs starterpack
Son: “Where are my sunglasses?”
Dad: "I don't know…where are my dad glasses?"
My son is such anungrateful piece of shit.
I bought him a trampoline for his birthday but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Kristen: Sure! Christen: thank you Kris: Anytime
Like I get the 80s were nice, but the amount of media that uses 80s nostalgia is getting annoying and dull at this point
Like I get the 80s were nice, but the amount of media that uses 80s nostalgia is getting annoying and dull at this point
I tried to re-marry my ex wife
But she figured out I was only after my money.
I left my ex-girlfriend because of her obsession with counting…
I wonder what she's up to now?
Have you ever noticed that Hasbro has cornered the entire board game industry?
I guess you can say they own a monopoly.
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN…
They become VERY ANGRY
Pronounciation is important…
The sentence "Use Chemicals to remove the Polish" could mean either a botched Manicure or Hitler's return