The Blonde joke to end all Blonde jokes
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman Police Officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blondes driver's licence. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The Police woman said "It's square and has your picture on it"
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the Police woman. "Here it is" she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "Okay, you're free to go, I didn't realize you were a cop"
'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?' 'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not:"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay God". Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's. Don't refer to Jesus Christ and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.
Then I know it will never come for me
It's ok though, he woke up.
They are show shellfish.
I was driving this girl to her house and told her that I wasn’t good with directions, she laugh at me…
So I just right her left there.
I don't know how they can sleep at night!
r/dadjokes: hello 14, hello deep, I'm dad
It's not hard
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
Crack open a boy with the cold ones.
The plan is to shoot it in front of a live audience.
If it sinks, girl ant and if it floats, buoyant
Obi wan asks: "are we going the right way?" Yoda answers: "off course, we are"
Trouble is, none of them work.
I have no idea why he wants an ex box
Son: Dad, what does doubting mean? Dad: Hmmm… I'll give you a practical example: who do you love more? Daddy or Mommy? Son: answers without hesitation Mommy Dad: ಠ_ಠ Then go ask her! She will explain! Don't bother me I aint got no time to waste!
He had a vowel movement.
She asked for ice for some imaginary wound, and as I gave her the ice pack (shaped like a circle with five fingers), she told me, "Thanks, Dad, I just needed a hand." I've never been more proud.
They're the wurst
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. “Do you mind waiting for a bit?” The manager asked. “Not at all” I replied.
“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.
Him: will you remember me in 5 years? Me: yes Him: will you remember me in 10 years? Me: yea Him: knock knock Me: who’s there Him: you forgot me already??
Always Coming From Take Me Down
it was two-tired
One turns to the other and says “you take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group” The other says “what?” The first cowboy says “you herd”
It only takes one nail to hang the picture of Jesus.
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
National Dyslexia Association
So what if it took 36 years and required me to become a mortician.
Guardians of the Galaxy