The Boomer Trolley Problem
Which differential operator requires the strictest boundary conditions?
The Stern- Liouville operator
So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yellâDAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISHâ so the priest walks up to the fisher and says âyou canât just swear like that youâll make god angryâ on which the fisher replies âthis is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam theyâre
Dam fishâ The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife âcan you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrowâon which the wife replies surprisedâdear youâre a priest you canât just swear like thatâ on which the priest explains the situation. The wife understands and cooks the fish. The next day they are eating the fish and the priest asks âcan someone pass me the dam fishâ on which the priests son replies âthatâs the spirit dad can someone pass me the fucking friesâ
What’s large, grey, and doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
A weasel goes to the bar
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, âYou are under-aged. I canât serve you beer.â The weasel asks, âWhat can I have?â The bartender replies, âI have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.â âPop!â goes the weasel.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Neverland's.
Siri kept on calling me Shirley today
I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.
Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick
It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease. The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus. "But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket. "I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests." "But my fever, the pain in my lungs…what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?" The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing. Itâs on the house.
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics.
I found a wallet…
I found a wallet and there was a fresh 100 dollar bill. I asked myself, what would have Jesus done? So I turned it into wine.
You know how the Canary islands is a misnomer, since there’s no canaries? It’s the same with the Virgin Islands
There's no canaries there either
A guy was admitted to the hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.
His condition is stable now.
I donât just play soccer cause I like the sport.
Iâm just in it for kicks.
I have a hard time falling asleep.
It's much easier to fall when I'm awake.
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
Look, no hands!
If I won $298 million I’d donate a quarter of it to charities…
I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
How were people born?
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Dracula told me to bow in his presence, you could say I was…
Down for the count
My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.
She's a nightmare
A man approaches a priest. âBless me father, for I have sinned,â he says.
âIâve spent the week with seven beautiful women.â âDo not fret, my son,â says the priest. âAll you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.â âWill that cleanse my sin from me?â âNo, but itâll wipe that fuckinâ smile off your face.â
I found out why nurses carry red crayons
In case they have to draw blood.
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her. I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence. The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.
My son cheated on his physics test, and has no idea how much trouble he is in.
He doesnât understand the gravity of the situation.
What do you get if you tell the same joke every day for a month?
About 3K karma and a ban from r/jokes.
My brotherâs first dad joke
This just happened 2 minutes ago. Iâm visiting my brother today , dec 29. His wife asked for some shopping cash and I heard him say: âDonât spend it all at once, this money needs to last us till next yearâ Ps. Heâs been a father for 5 years now
What do you call an accusatory reptile?
An allegator
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.
Girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But if Iâm gonna have sex, itâs going to be on my own Accord.
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, âWhat kind of car ya got there, sonny?â The doctor replies, âA Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!â âThatâs a lot of money,â says the old man. âWhy does it cost so much?â âBecause this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!â states the doctor proudly. The moped driver asks, âMind if I take a look inside?â âNo problem,â replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, âThatâs a pretty nice car, all right, but Iâll stick with my moped!â Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror â what it could beâŚand suddenly⌠WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! âWhat on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?â the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that itâs the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! Heâs feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and thereâs nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, âOh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?â The old man whispers, âUnhook my suspenders from your side mirror.â
My IQ test result just came in and Iâm really relieved…
Thank God it came back negative…
A Scotsman and an Englishman
Were walking along the beach when they come upon a beautiful Mermaid sitting on a rock. Englishman says "Have you ever been kissed?" She says No, and he kisses her. Scotsman says "Have you ever been fucked?" She says No, he says "Well you are now the tide's just gone out"
My girlfriend is a pornstar.
Should I let her know?