The call was answered.
Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys?
Aisle B, back.
My boss told me to wear rubber gloves while dealing with customers this week. I told him “Fuck that.”
I’m doing these prostate exams my way.
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backward.
Patient: And?
Invisible Man Job Offer
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream
"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
A blonde got tired of blonde jokes…
One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
In college, I lived in a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
I saw a bunch of guys in black leather jackets crowded around under some trees
It seemed very shady.
A Cockroach and a Cricket were talking
Cockroach: Jiminy, you look so tired. What's wrong? Cricket: Well, Damian, my Firefly neighbor has kept me up every night for the past week with her loud music, and I have talked to the landlord multiple times, and he still won't do anything about it. Cockroach: Gosh, Jiminy, that must really bug you.
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.
Did you hear about the professor afraid of negative numbers?
He stops at nothing to avoid them
Me: This is my horse, Mayo.
Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
Today I had my appointment with my psychiatrist
He thinks that I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.
I lost my mood ring today.
I'm not sure how I feel about it.
What do we want…? Low altitude flyovers!
When do we want them? NNNNNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW!
When I was 18 I wanted to kill myself…
But I'm a procrastinator, so I picked up smoking.
The funniest part of any pizza joke…
…is the delivery.
I called the doctor and screamed, “Quick! My pregnant wife’s going into labor, what should I do?” He said, “Calm down, is this her first child?”
I shrieked, “No! This is her husband!"
I went to this party dressed as a corpse with my wife. It was a terrible party.
"Jesus," said my wife. "Look alive, will you!"
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist
Recently got a second job as a bartender at a stripclub.
Ive never worked so hard before in my life.
Females are just males…
but with more iron.