The caption doesn’t even make sense
During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.
The *For Biden* files.
I broke up with my college girlfriend because she was obsessed with finding the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
2 guys were eating breakfast together
"Do you want some of my bacon?" "No thanks I'm Jewish" "Don't worry it's free"
I angered two people by callling them hipsters…….
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
I finally left 99.
He couldn't keep it 100 with me.
What do you call a deaf man…
Whatever you want, he can’t hear you.
A young woman goes to her doctor… (NSFW)
A young woman goes to her doctor about two small rashes on her thighs. The doctor tests her for allergies, and then asks “Ma’am, are you a lesbian?” The woman stares for a second, then says “Yes, I am. Why?” “There’s the problem.” the doctor said “Tell your girlfriend to stop wearing cheap earrings.”
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.
And now we have a virus.
I got called pretty today.
Actually the full statement was "You're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on positive things today.
[NSFW] What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Glrhrglelgrglugr
“Hey honey, I’m pregnant.”
"Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad!" "No you're not."
I’m a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children!
Edit: four children Second edit: 2 children!
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said "Bach Bach Bach!"
There was a joke about fishing I was going to tell you…
Oh no, I forgot the line!
Given the Cheeto Bandito’s track record with dictators, this should be a no brainer
https://ift.tt/2Xcz6dp
I wouldn’t say it’s easy living with erectile dysfunction.
But it’s not hard.
My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with optical illusions.
I told her, "Wait, this isn't what you think it is!"
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work…
And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning. Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey. Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so. A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned. So she ran upstairs and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost. He said, "You were right, honey, you were right! I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again!"
A young man gathers his courage and decides to come out as being gay to his mother and father
They're both reasonably shocked, but are very supportive. They assure him that they still love him, and wish he'd told them sooner. Everything seems to be going great, until the father poses a question to his son that makes the young man really think. "How are you going to focus on college if you're spending all your time being a moderator on Reddit?"
My doctor advised me to eat cleaner.
So now I shower before every meal.
My dad told me to stop pretending to be a farm animal
He was sick of me horsing around
I’ve already heard like seven cancer puns today…
If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign
A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary…
… and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
Wife: “I made our daughter a waffle this morning.”
Me: "Well thanks for changing her back."
Unlike Fathers day, Son day is celebrated every week
No text found
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry I am.
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland
Well the flag is a big plus
[NSFW] What do you call a group of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin'off
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now it's aware wolf
What do Mexicans think about Trumps wall?
They'll get over it.
Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope…