The caption/image on the bottom is so unnecessary…
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
How do you treat a wounded lemon?
With a sour patch. I'll see myself out now.
My inflatable dock burst after my friends kept telling me to fill it with more air.
Too much pier pressure.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool
I gave him a glass of water
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
Why would T. Rex struggle to play the piano?
They’re extinct.
Why don’t Native Americans like snow?
It's white and settles on their land
I had a vasectomy so I won’t have kids
But when I got home, they were still there.
There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence. The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.
I just had to divorce an Apple employee
It was an iDivorce
Guy spits out his coffee and says to the waitress ” I dont mean to be rude, but this coffee tastes like dirt”
She replys: well yea, you told me to make sure it was fresh ground
A limbo champion walks into a bar
He's disqualified
What’s a decent Asian stereo type?
Sony and Yamaha are my favorite.
How would a stoner propose to another stoner?
Marriage-you-wanna?
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My daughter asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I told her "No, I'm going to put it up in the living room."
I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher
I also told him she wants him to clean his room
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
and are followed by 'Batman!'
What does a janitor and a car have in common
They both go broom broom
She lived in a houseboat
Swans listened to her rock and roll
An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, ‘I need to search your ranch for illegally grown drugs.’ The rancher replies, ‘Okay, but don’t go into the field over there.’
The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs….. 'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
In the Israeli government who has the most power?
The Jewdiciary branch
The Star Wars series is coming out with a female villain
She'll be able to use the force to raise and lower things. Her name will be Ella Vader
How does NASA throw parties?
They planet.
Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing”…
"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued. "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas – and they're paying their own way."
“Wanna know something?” asked my girlfriend.
I said, "What is it?" She said, "I saw you sitting in the park. You were reading your autobiography to your ex." "Hmm," I replied. "Really?" She said, "How do you explain yourself?" I said, "Well, if I read it to you perhaps you'll find out."
My daughter, 8, asked me what happens to frogs who illegally park their cars.
"I don't know," I said. With a gleam in her eye, she squealed "They get toad!!" Dad win there.
My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin
I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?" He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area." (True story)
I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social
but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.
Someone accused me of plagiarism….
That's their words, not mine.
The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.
He's calling it "That's what Xi said"
The Doctor asks the patient: “Does your head hurt?”
Patient: "Yes it does, doctor." Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"
I occasionally enjoy leaning on things.
When I'm so inclined.
I was reading a horror story in braille..
Something terrible’s about to happen… I can feel it…
“Hey dad, what does gay mean?” The boy asked his dad
"Gay is when a person is happy." his dad replied The boy thought for a long time before asking "Hey dad, are YOU gay?" His dad quickly responded again with "No son, I'm married to your mother."
If you see a Spanish person tell them “mucho”
It means a lot to them
