The caption was “I WHEEZED”.
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
Two years ago, my doctor told me that I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.
It’s almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn…
After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work. “It looks pretty good,” says the first one. “Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second. “What do you mean?” “Well, look at these three wise men. Three wise men? That sounds like Ivy League elitists to me. Plus, Frankincense and myrrh? I bet these guys are Arabs. The president wouldn’t like this at all.” The other aide agrees he has a point, so they take out the wise men and chuck them over the fence. “Do you think it’s ready now?” says the first aide. “Not really,” says the second one, “Look at Mary and Joseph – they’re refugees! I bet they’re bringing drugs and crime to Nazareth.” So they take out Mary and Joseph too. “Ok, I think we’re ready,” says the first one. “Not yet,” says the second, “look at the baby. His parents came from Egypt just so he could be born in Nazareth? Sounds like an anchor baby to me.” So they chuck out Jesus as well. Proud of their work, they head back to the Oval Office to let the president know they’ve finished. “Well?” He asks, “have you finished the most bigly tremendous decorations? We’re going to make Christmas great again.” “Yes, Mister President. We’re sure you’ll be very happy with it. We took out the wise men, Mary and Joseph, and Jesus.” “Well,” Trump asks, “what’s left?” “It’s just the way we thought you’d like it sir. One jackass and a whole bunch of sheep.”
Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman…
He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around, appearing as if she was having a sexual dream. Superman thought “She’s probably dreaming about me.” He said, “You know what, I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly in, fuck her and fly out, and she wouldn’t know what happened!” So he did exactly that. He flew in quickly, did her and flew away. Wonder Woman says “What the hell was that?” And then the Invisible Man says “I don’t know, but my asshole is killing me!”
Today i taught my son a lesson by eating his homework.
Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth.
Told my PC gamer friend that I bought a home for my rodent.
He should see my new mouse pad.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Frankly, I don't know, and I don't care.
Why is it called a paternity test
and not a pop quiz?
My wife told me I was terrible with directions
So I packed up my things and right
After my performance at the shooting gallery, the coach said, “Take a bow.”
"Shooting isn't your cup of tea," he continued, "You better switch to archery."
I could never date a single mum.
Because then they wouldn't be single.
What do you call cheese that isnt yours..?
Oh sorry, Havarti told you this one?
A mom wanted her three sons to stop swearing…
…so she decides she needs to start punishing her children. The next morning, her three sons, Billy, Bobby, and Johnny come to the kitchen for breakfast. The mom asks Billy what he wants for breakfast. Billy says, "I don't know, just give me ceral or some shit." The mom smacks Billy and he goes flying across the kitchen. She turns to Bobby and asks him what he wants for breakfast. Bobby shouts, "Damn, mom! What the hell did you hit Billy for? Just give me cereal I guess." The mom hits Bobby even harder and Bobby flies into the next room over. Finally, she turns to Johnny and asks what he wants for breakfast. Johnny looks at the other two boys and hesitates for a while. Johnny says, "I don't know, but you can bet your sweet ass that it isn't cereal."
As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.
“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.” “Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.” “It is,” I said. “No, it isn’t,” she said. “You know what?” I said as I jumped out of the bed. “You can stick the fcuking chessboard up your ass.”
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks
I’ll never forget my dads last words before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said
“Son”… “how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
You: Bastard
Me: You just did You: I'm not going to do that Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards
As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced “Ladies and Gentlemen don’t forget to adjust your watches to local time”
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
I think my family is racist
I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things
Robin: “Batman, this is Robin”
Robin: "I'm calling on the batphone, from the batcave. The batmobile won't start!" Batman: "Have you checked the battery?" Robin: "what's a tery?"
My friend David got his id stolen
So now we call him Dav
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Did you hear the one about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
Sounded a little far-fetched to me
Someone accidentally mailed me 10 lbs of pot yesterday. So I did the right thing and called the cops.
They just came by and picked up all 4 pounds.
I like using self-deprecating humor.
I'm just not very good at it.
What did the two suicidal people say to each other?
nothing….. they were just hanging….
Mona Lisa was framed.
Then they hung her.
What do you call a flirty philosoper?
A Socra-tease
If two vegans get in a fight,
is it still considered a beef?
