The caption was “I WHEEZED”.
What does 6.9 mean?
Just another good thing ruined by a period.
I was struggling to get my wife’s attention
So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick
Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
I’ve discovered the optimal way to survive the great 2020 toilet paper pandemic
Just stop giving a shit
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the Fresh Prints
I was scheduled to teach a course in Origami, but then decided to give up.
Too much paperwork.
I couldn’t help but smile as the infant-ry marched on the capitol.
There's nothing cuter than a babies' coup.
The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
Why are so many Italians named Tony?
Because when they left the old country, immigration officers put a sticker on their lapel that read To NY.
What do you call a psychic dwarf that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag.
The girl replied, “Thanks for the Baghdad”
How bout a blowjob?
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ….And she's always sound asleep."
We’ll we’ll we’ll
If it isn’t autocorrect… EDIT: In case you haven’t noticed, this is a repost. I’m not trying to cover it up, I don’t care. Just wanted to put it out there so the constant spam of comments calling me out on it can let up for a bit.
Why are the women and children evacuated first?
So we can die in peace.
Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won’t move at all…
After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her. The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?" Full of anger, the blonde replies, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."
I just won an award for most secretive person in the office
I can't tell you how much it means to me
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
The government has been shut down for more than 15 days….
We can all legally leave.
My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.
He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe
Europe is like a fridge
You have the freezing cold part at the top Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease
Breaking News: Vandals broke into the Origami Museum last night
Will keep you posted as the story unfolds.
My daughter pointed at a spear and said “daddy look it’s sharp”
I replied with “that’s the point”
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented candle.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up
The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue." The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo." "Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo." "Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."
