The captions for this meme are getting out of hand
You know what really makes my day…
The rotation of the earth
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.
I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.” He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”
I don’t like the word xenophobia.
It sounds so foreign.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gag My wife told me this one to me. Not my joke
Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick. Source: my actual Dad.
I’m reading a book about anti gravity
I can't put it down
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
It was soda pressing.
The guys loitering on the street had been trolling this kid for a couple of years.
They'd hold out a nickle in one hand and a dime in the other and ask "Which one do you want? The nickle is bigger!" and the kid would always take the nickle. One day I took the kid aside and asked him "Don't you know the dime is worth twice as much?" He said "Yeah, but if I take the dime they won't ever do it again!"
Why did the lawyer go to culinary school?
He wanted to be a sue chef.
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A waist of time.
I Couldn’t Figure Out How The Seatbelt Worked.
Then it just clicked.
Three couples are trying to get married at the same church.
There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married. "If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest. One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?" "Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple. "How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple. "It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond. "And how about you two?" He asks the young couple. "No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend. "Tell me why," says the priest. "Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened." The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church." "We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend
I saw a lizard with angry red skin. It then turned orange! Then it turned yellow. Then green. Then blue. Then indigo, until it finally became a relaxing shade of violet.
Calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer chameleon.
My dad threw a cheese shredder at me and he missed
I ran away and he yelled at me: “get back here you ungrateful child”
Dad: Thanks for doing your chores Emily, unlike some children who will remain unnamed
Son: tears welling up please give me a name dad I'm almost 17
A pregnant woman falls into a deep coma
Months later she wakes up, and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: Don't worry, they're just fine. You had twins, a boy and a girl, and your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name them? Doctor: Well, the girl is called Denise. Woman: Oh, that's not too bad! What about the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
Accidental Dad Joke
Story time: So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house. Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?" Me: "Yes mom." Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice" Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice…" Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."
What’s the difference between yogurt and America?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture
Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!
I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.
Oh Grandpa
An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?” He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation. When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”
If you’ve spent ages figuring out how to keep herbs and spices on your belt loop…
…you've waisted thyme.
Democratic Socialism isn’t “free stuff”. It is getting services for your tax dollars.
https://ift.tt/2H6meMP
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler
Adam was born in Hong Kong
Adam was born in Hong Kong as the seventh child to the Lee family, who were loving parents. Adam's parents had moved to Hong Kong in from a small village in the Xinjiang province of China in search of a better life for them and their family. However, due to a lack of proper education in their village, they struggled to find work and both ended up working as cleaners in a University, earning minimum wage and they struggled day to day to get by. However, they were loving parents, and gave everything they could to their children. Adam had a happy childhood, a better education, and loved his mother and father dearly. The day after completing his final school exams, young Adam's world was torn apart.His parents had been killed in a tragic boating accident while they we celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary. This devastated the teenager, he adored his parents and felt he has lost his whole world. He decided to go travelling to get away from the life in Hong Kong, where every day he was reminded of those he had lost. Using his meagre inheritance, he booked a ticket to London and packed a single bag, not looking back. Adam lived the high life, working in hotels and bars, he travelled Europe, drinking and partying his sorrows away. After a good six months, he met a girl and settled in Amsterdam, which was as good a city for the young man as you can imagine. He was fed up with the lifestyle of hospitality work, and found an ad for a job as apprentice cheese maker, of all things, studying the profession under the tutelage of Franciscus Veltman, a cheese maker world renowned, his Edam especially was constantly voted the best in all of the Netherlands. As such they technique and recipe was a closely guarded secret, only known to Franciscus himself. Things unfortunately faded away with the girl, as young love tends to do, however Adam had inherited his parents work ethic, and turned out to be a natural at making cheese. He and his mentor formed a close bond, with Franciscus, who was unable to have a family of his own, loved and looked after Adam as if he was his was his own son; and Adam himself looked up to him as a father. He had even finally taught Adam the secret Edam recipe, strengthening the bond between the two. With the help of Adam, Franciscus' business went from strength to strength, and after 3 years, he decided to take well deserved vacation for the first time in decades, such was his dedication to Caseiculture, safe in the knowledge that his livelihood was in good hands with Adam at the helm. He booked himself on a week long cruise down the Danube, as he'd always wanted to see the beauty of Budapest. Alas, tragedy struck again, as the cruise ship capsized, and Franciscus drowned in his cabin. For the second time on his still early life, Adam had been left heartbroken. He couldn't bring himself to stay in Amsterdam, packed his things and moved back to Hong Kong. Never one to be fully hindered by adversity, Adam used his skills and started his own cheese shop in his hometown. Again, thanks to Adam's hard work, talent and dedication, this was a roaring success, he made cheeses from all over the world that delighted the taste buds off anyone who tried them. As a tribute to dear old Franciscus, he however never sold his world famous Edam, only keeping it to make at home and treat those nearest to his heart. Despite constant calls from cheese lovers the world over who had tasted the Edam in Holland, Adam never wavered, and the cheese was never sold to the baying public. Adam at this point fell in love with the daughter of the owner of the florist next door to his shop, a beautiful young lady called Chen. He finally plucked up the courage to ask Chen out, ask took her to the finest restaurant in Hong Kong. Chen fell for Adam's wit and charm, and before long they were married in a lavish ceremony. Six months of marital bliss later, Chen becomes pregnant. Adam is delighted, with his life finally coming together. When Chen goes into labour, Adam rushes to the hospital. Ten painful hours later, and Chen gives birth, not to a child, but to a deer! Everyone is in shock, and experts the world over descend on Hong Kong to witness this miracle of science, but no one can explain it. Nevertheless, Adam and Chen treat the deer as if it was human, and in a fitting tribute name him Franciscus after his mentor and father figure, but along the way, shorten it to Frank for ease. Young Frank, despite the media attention, lives a sheltered childhood, and learns to walk, speak, goes to school, and leads as normal a life as an anthropomorphic deer could do. Adam continues to run his now thriving cheese business, and still keeps the masterful Edam just for special occasions with his new family, and Frank adores it, counting down the days until the next event when Adam brings it out to share. Frank continues his education, but a final tragedy was awaiting Adam. Chen, while out on a sailing holiday in the South China Sea with her now retired parents, fell overboard and was killed by a shark attack. Adam, after another cruel accident taking another loved one, cannot take anymore, and moves back to his parents village in Xinjiang, as far away from any large water sources as possible. He lives as a recluse, hiding away from the world in grief and sorrow. It's left to young Frank to run the cheese business. He, unfortunately, is not as adept at cheese making or running a business as his father, and the company starts to struggle. Realising this, he writes to his father for the legendary Edam recipe to sell to help revive the fortunes. His father, now a stubborn, grouchy soul, steadfast refuses out of tribute to Franciscus. Frank continues to just about keep the business afloat for the next few years, but every six months sends the same letter to his father asking for the recipe that could turn around his fortunes, but is constantly refused. Finally, Frank hears word that Adam is on his death bed, his grief stricken body as succumbed to cancer. Frank rushes to Xinjiang, to find Adam in a terrible state, with only hours to live. After a long and tearful goodbye, Frank again asks for the recipe. Adam, gives him a long look up and down, and says with his dying breath "I don't know how many times I have to tell you this, but Frank Lee, my deer, I don't give Edam."
I hate trying to please miners.
They're so picky!
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning.
It’s the last time I’ll sleep on the train with my mouth open.
One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.
Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe." Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers “Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”
Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for
He said “Genius”