The CEO of a large gas station chain was arrested yesterday.
He was running a Shell corporation.
What do you call a constipated Sherlock Holmes?
The no-shit Sherlock!
My daughter asked me what the opposite of isolate is.
I told her yousoearly
Religion is like a penis.
It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around… and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat.
This is a Mean joke.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
[German] Und was ist, wenn der neue Rammstein-Song auf dem Index landet?
Dann kannst du ihn dir nur noch von der Ursula Leyen.
Every yo mamma joke has been done thousands of time by thousands of people…
kinda like yo mamma.
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"
Just asked Siri….
"Surely it's not going to rain today?" She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley" …Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove it was just as good as chicken!
The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.
The rest, as they say, is History.
Why is it so dark in the Apple factory?
They have no windows.
So, I got married once..
To a solid 7/10. She wanted kids right away. Gets her wish, so fast forward 9 months, baby is on the way. I am in the waiting room because I couldn't handle it. I see my child for the first time. Told her she could name the baby anything she wanted and she tells the doctor that her name is 'Love'. Wife isn't a hippy or anything and I'm not a huge fan, but fuck it, I promised her. Fast forward 10 years. Love comes back from school crying. I ask her what's wrong. Says she is being bullied because of her name. I cheer her up with some ice cream. Problem solved and best dad award achieved. Fast Forward 7 more years. Love has turned into a 9/10. She dresses normal. Always wears red nail polish. But she is shy, very shy. She is still mocked constantly because of her not so ordinary name. She comes home from school one day, obviously disturbed. I ask her if it's about her name. She says nothing and just kisses me on the cheek and leaves. First time she has kissed me since she was a baby. Just wasn't her thing. Then, I hear my wife pulling in. She is home early from work. I hear the door open from daughter's room. The door then opens from garage. Loud blast goes off directly behind me. I fall to the ground. Wife looks at me and screams. I look down and see bullet through my chest. Love says something about her name. I look up at my still beautiful wife and I say: Shot through the heart And you're to blame You gave Love …a bad name
![It’s [A]mazing how long it takes to finish this maze.](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/52phuza4pvs21-400x224.gif)
A miner is stopped by the cops and is asked various questions
Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do? Miner: Mine
A guy came up to me and said, “Man your clothes are so gay”
I said, “I know, they came out of the closet this morning”
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson
I’m hosting a charity for men struggling to ejaculate
If you can’t come let me know
What do you call a redditor who can wield Mjolnir?
A reddithor.
If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on…
I'd be like, why am I always getting all this money?
I scared the mailman by answering the door naked.
I don't know what scared him more. The fact I was naked or because I knew where he lived.
Some people think the cost of wigs is too high
Personally, I think it’s a fair price toupee.
Sure, a library is the place to find a lot of books to read from
But it's the tallest buildings that have the most stories
I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.
A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me. "Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.
“I always try to go the extra mile for my customers.”
Said the city's most hated cab driver.
What happens when an egg laughs?
It cracks up!
A boy asks his dad one day, “Dad, what’s the difference between confident and confidential?”
His dad replies, “Well, you’re my son – I’m confident about that. And your best friend Jimmy is also my son – that’s confidential.”