The CEO of Valve walks into a bar with two of his associates…
The bartender asks “What can I get for you?”
The CEO responds “We’ll have one drink and two drinks please.”
The bartender replies “So three drinks?”
“What the hell is three?”
*random keyboard presses* I’m in
Who needs to sit here?
Y U No Wear Protection
In honor of my dev bio quiz today
It took you 49 years to discover this so…
I recently visited a pickle factory
The experience was jarring.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
How Many Police Officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None they beat the room for being black.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
My son got good grades in all his classes except Greek Mythology
That's always been his Achilles Elbow
Anal sex is like getting your first crappy and old bike
You don’t want it but your dad is going to give it you anyway
Yeah, it’s as harmless as the flu. Don’t worry about it.
My brother builds yatchts and was told to work from home during corona virus
Sails have gone through the roof
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts…
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road…
My wife just yelled at me, “You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said”
I thought that was a pretty odd way to start a conversation
This is the bad place
what a support!!
My roommate is 2 days younger than me
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age…” and then describing what I did 2 days ago
Yet another classic post on Facebook by my uncle…
Breaking: water glasses are part of the Deep State
When you die, which part of your body is the last to die?
Pupils. They dilate.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't like the Flinstones but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooooo!!!!
I set the comp password to ‘Homework1st’ my daughter was getting frustrated…
I set the comp password to ‘Homework1st’ my daughter was getting frustrated that every time she asked what I changed it to, I answered. She did every piece of work, including corrections. Then I wrote it down.
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
Phone bad, cat stupid, Christmas good
I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?" Father: "Sure son. What's the question?" Son: "What is Politics?" Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your need, so let's call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class" and your little brother, we can call "The Future". Do you understand son? Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it." That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. Son: "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is." Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?" Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit."
There are so many beautiful castles in Wales, but I only had time to visit one.
I chose Caerphilly.
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What's that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "How big are the cats!?"
His poor legacy
What do you call a German virus?
New Day, New Quote
Scientists have finally figured out how much sleep a teenager needs.
Just five more minutes.
Bing Crosby, triggering snowflakes for 77 years
Gravity is beautiful
Stack Overflow be like
The One Where Nixon’s Second Best
Why are Vegans considered as anti-social?
Cause they never meat-up. If there are any vegans reading this please don't start a beef.
Comp sci Homework at its best
I tried to trade a deer for fireworks
I want the best bang for my buck
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
Very. Stable. Genius.
Did you hear about the atheist charity?
It was a non-prophet organization!
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died recently?
He pasta way.
Why not just make it official, Mitch?
Reagan did it
Donald Trump asks the Queen the advice
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!
Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs. Me: sigh Yeah… my dog has a real problem.
Found this on a boomer page
How do planets clean themselves?
They take a meteor shower! ☄️
I used to have a dog with no legs named “Cigarette”
And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.
Yea we’re all good then
What’s the difference between a school bus and a cactus?
A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.
Even Ron thinks it’s stupid.
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.
They’re his watch dogs!
Upvote me so that I can post on r/science too.