I held the the door open for a clown today
I thought it was a nice jester.
My mate has a fear of over-engineered buildings. He has a complex complex complex
He went to the psychiatrist and he discovered it was more than just a fear. He has a complex complex complex complex The Doctor sent him to a specialised centre.. It was the complex complex complex complex complex. Unfortunately, it was an over-engineered building. Yes, it was a complex complex complex complex complex complex.
I have a pen that can write underwater!!
It can write other words too.
Why is it hard to read a crowd of chemists?
They have a lot of mixed reactions.
A new Tesla doesn’t come with the new car smell…
It comes with an Elon Musk.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.Those who understand binary and those who dont.
https://ift.tt/37g9Ztt
If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders
That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it
I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song
giving us time to change the song.
How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?
All the red flags.
I tell dad jokes sometimes
He laughs
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle
My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine…
So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever…
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
I don’t think it’s going well for the calendar
Its days are numbered.
“Dad, how do you cast spells?”
"You just follow the instructions." "Which instructions?" "Yeah, they're the ones."
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel’s hair isn’t chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
Do you know what the generic name for Viagra is?
Mycoxafloppin
Someone just complimented my wife and told her that she and our daughter looked like twins.
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins….
….I was about to run straight home to tell the wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden in the first place.
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me
He can now ride a bike without training wheels
My five year old son was playing in the garden…
When he sees 2 spiders. He asks me, "Is that a mummy longlegs under that daddy longlegs?" No son, there is no mummy longlegs only daddy longlegs." I felt pretty proud of my answer, until he stomps on both spiders saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden"
Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’
Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’ I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’
Why do cows have hooves?
Cuz they lactose.
I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens.
Months of training wasted.
A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house..
A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house. To get him out of the house, they give him and ice pop and they tell him to sit on the front porch and shout out everything that he sees while they try to pull a quickie. Timmy starts to point everything out. “Mailman stopped by.” Timmy says. “The Andersons are getting new furniture” he calls out. “Jacob got a new bike” “Oh look. Kevin’s parents are having sex.” Timmy says. The dad shouts out from the bedroom, “how do you know they’re having sex?” Timmy replies “he’s sitting out on the front porch with a popsicle.”
Newlyweds are going at it in their apartment building
That is to say they are fucking hard. But the lady was very loud. So the next morning neighbour Jon tells the man: "Look Mike, I'm fine with the youngs having sex, but do you mind putting some tape over her mouth so the rest of us can get some sleep?" So Mike does. That night the young couple begins. After a while Mike calls out "This ok John?" "Yuuup! Fine!" After a while he calls again "This alright Johnny?" "Fiine, fine!" And a third time "This alright, pal?" "Mike! Take the ducktape off!" "What? Why?!" "The entire building thinks you're fucking me!!!"
A-merry-ca ‘ristmas, reddit
from all of US!
geology totally rocks but geography is where it’s at
i’m new to this subreddit 🏃🏽♀️
Today i taught my son a lesson by eating his homework.
Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth.
Why do stadiums get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left.
For Sale: Slightly Used Chewing Gum
Near Mint Condition!!!
My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.
I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience
The second time let me down