The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.
The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then, one night while watching the News he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 10th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans!"
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"
4 people having sex is called a foursome
3 people having sex is called a threesome Now I know why they call me handsome.
I just donated 100$ to a charity for blind children
But I doubt they'll ever see any of the money
So, you don’t trust a doctor to stitch you up?
Fine. Suture self.
Dad;*walking around with a shirt with corn on a cob printed on*
Me; "What are you wearing??" Dad; "its my crop top"
What do you call a fat psychic?
A 4-chin-teller
โHey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?โ
โNo son, have you seen my dad glasses?โ

I made this fake boomer comic to mock people/boomers looking down on digital art
https://ift.tt/2JrUKmh
The secret service isnโt allowed to yell โGet down!โ anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell, โDonald, duck!โ
Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*
Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself Sister-in-law: crying is this why you wanted an open casket
I overheard a man in the changing room
I was in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a phone rings. The guy next to me answers it while he was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I instantly thought, "What a smug bastard!" MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the Metrocentre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only ยฃ1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "ยฃ90,000" MAN: "Ok but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking ยฃ950,000". MAN: "Well, then go ahead but come in at ยฃ900,000. They will probably take it but if not, we'll have to do ยฃ950,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape…..He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this fuckin phone belongs to?"
I bought some toothpaste.
It's not your typical food sauce
A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign." The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

“I’m sorry, but Joey Starr is not mentioned among the 20th century philosophers”.
https://ift.tt/3gDH1bb
A cop sees an old woman carrying two sacks…
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, โWhere did an old lady like you get all of that money?โ She replies, โWell, thereโs a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.โ The cop asks, โSo what did you do about it?โ The old lady says, โI get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!โ โThat seems fair enough,โ the cop says, โso whatโs in the other sack?โ The old lady replies with, โNot everyone paysโฆโ
“We need to do something about your carpentry addiction.”
"Can't I just finish the bar I was making for my house?" "No, that would be counter-productive."
Bows are really good weapons
Their only drawback is the string.
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that Iโm older I donโt fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
Why are Canadians so good at sports?
They always bring their eh game
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
Iโm trying to form a really good pun about yoga, but it isnโt working out.
I know, it was a stretch.
My son is a man trapped in a womanโs body.
Heโll be born in February.
Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement
In the end, I ignore it all and click "I agree".

Target suggesting I travel over 4500 miles to buy my daughter a $200 bike today.
https://ift.tt/2Y0PiPb
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Bad knock-knock joke #1
Knock, knock. Who's there? Spell. Spell who? Okay, W-H-O.
So President Trump wants to abolish the two term limit on the Presidency.
Welcome back President Obama we missed you.