The cold is nice to a certian degree
I saw my ex girlfriend across the museum hall, but I felt too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
Where did the two hamburgers go to dance?
The meatball
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punch line is a parent
(x-post r/jokes) My wife told me that she couldn’t turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight…
…Since she can't look sideways anyways…
I walked into a bank, pointed a long, thin piece of wood at the ceiling and shouted…
"This is a stick up!"
I’m looking to sell my DeLorean
Good condition, only driven from time to time
How did Jesus pay for our sins
He used praypal
As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
My wife asked if her turn signal was working
I said "Yes. No. Yes. No."
I can list every single number that’s in Pi.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0.
My wife is incredibly smart
When I called from my buddies phone she answered “hey love”. She already knew it was me.
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said “This isn’t working I’m going to my mum’s”
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”
She is watching our wedding video again.
I need some help fixing my new pen.
Anyone have any tips?
Why cant a penis be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot
Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?
They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian
They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, “no thanks, but maybe next time around.”
Any parent would agree. Made me laugh then I realised how true it was then it made me sad
https://ift.tt/31QHSfY
What two things can you never eat for Breakfast?
Lunch and Dinner (not an original, but I thought it was funny :p)
“Has your dog got a name?”
"Yes," I replied. "It's called a Labrador."
My wife’s leaving me because she says I have an unhealthy obsession with Africa…
Kenya believe it? I'm Ghana miss her.
I just had to breakup with my cross eyed girlfriend
She was seeing other people
How do you collect data on how strong a river is?
You make a flowchart
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn’t get an erection.
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
-Doc, I have hearing problems
-Could you describe the symptons? -Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
I’m taking my son and daughter to the store tomorrow to buy stuffing for their pillows.
I’m planning to get down with the kids.