The computer error message that says “broken pipe” is probably a lot more ominous to people with a liquid-cooled computer.
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Shout out to the guy that makes these sausages
In my heart, he'll always be a wiener
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her. I turned her down.
I don't like high maintenance women.
Started a new job where I test cat flaps with my toes.
I'm only doing it to get my foot in the door.
A nun is having a bath when she hears a knock of the door….
She says "who is it?" "It's the blind man" comes the response. Ok, thinks the nun. "Come in then". In walks the man; "nice tits, now where do you want this blind?"
Have you heard of that new band 1023MB?
They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.
When I was younger my parents made me walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.
I woke up exhausted.
Where did the boulder learn its arithmetic?
The School of Hard Rocks
Woke up to my phone having a seizure because my dad kept sending me a dozen of these
https://ift.tt/37sNkcH
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, βI donβt want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?β βThe instructor said, βDuring the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.β After a pause, the instructor added, βI gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which Iβve never seen done in my entire career.β
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city.
He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out. The guy sitting next to him canβt believe what he just saw. Heβs more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, βHow did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and weβre hundreds of feet above the ground!β The jumper responds by slurring, βWell, I donβt get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.β He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesnβt slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. βYouβre really an a**hole when youβre drunk, Superman.β
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.
Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10. "Just don't tell Dad" she says. Hey, it's working thinks Little Johnny. An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything." Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says. Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister." The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says: "Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes…
Itβs like shooting fish in apparel…
I can always tell when I’m near an Indian restaurant
That's naan-sense, of course.
What does ED stand for?
Nothing, it stands for nothing.
Have you heard about a the constipation movie?
It hasnβt come out yet!
What’s the difference between Reddit and Instagram?
Reddit fills your mind with thoughts. Instagram fills your mind with thots.
I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said “Remove cap and push up bottom”
It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
Itβs all about raisin awareness.
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it's full groan.
The animals on the Ark wanted to play cards but they couldn’t.
Noah was standing on the deck.
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then my muggings have been a lot more successful.
Not sure if this counts but my dad (a boomer) sent this to me and I thought it was great.
https://ift.tt/3cZPYJT
The larger the feet, the larger the penis. The larger the vehicle, the smaller the penis.
Maybe thatβs why everyone is so scared of clowns.