The contest..
My sister got married the other day and now has 16 husbands….
Four richer, four poorer, four better and four worse…
A comedian’s fan offered him a joint
Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car. The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so. The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?" The comedian replied, "No, I ran over a skunk a few miles back." The officer gave him a good look over and asked, "Why are your eyes red?" The comedian sniffled and said, "It was a baby skunk." Edit: grammar
Just heard someone bragging about their one night stand
Well I've got two night stands and a double bed
I have a good Tupperware joke
but the punchline doesn't fit, its from another Tupperware joke
3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Wife asks her husband “Am I the only one you’ve ever been with?”
The husband replies reassuringly "yes you are honey" — to which his wife embraces him comfortably …the husband continues on to say "the rest have been 8's, 9's, and even some 10's!" Edit: why was this marked as wholesome LOL
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another manâs wife
Happy Motherâs Day!
A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.
He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight. The entire fence was covered in lights! Fence post after fence post, crossbeam after crossbeam, the most dazzling, amazing collection of lights they'd ever seen! The driver immediately called his friends and family and told them to get out to the old country road and within hours, the traffic was backed up for a mile. At the end of the display, he had a couple of farmhands waiting with donation buckets and sure enough, he raked in several hundred dollars that night. This went on for weeks only getting more and more popular and even despite the high electricity bill, he turned quite a profit on the display. And so it went for the next few years. His light displays got more and more elaborate. They synced to music. They twinkled in time to the passing cars. There were LEDs and lasers, inflatable reindeer and glowing manger scenes, and everything in between. He started to notice, however, that the number of cars began to dwindle each night. Whereas folks used to come from counties around to see the fence, the numbers grew smaller and smaller each night. At the end of the season, he'd seen maybe a tenth of the cars. The months passed and November crept up again. The farmer headed down to the feed and hardware shop to gather a few necessary supplies for the display and couldn't help but overhear a couple of the customers talking. "Yeah, it just ain't what it used to be. I mean, don't get me wrong, it were pretty and all when he got it started, but something 'bout it nowadays just ain't fresh." "I know. I wish he'd do something different. Something original. Everybody's got them Christmas lights now." This incensed the farmer. He spent hundreds of hours every season making something amazing for the world to see and they were treating it like so much manure from his barn. He would show them. He raced back to his farm and he ripped out every single light from post after post. He tore out the inflatable Santa and knocked down the wise men. And when he was done, he meticulously strung the exact same red and green lights on every square foot of that fence. "I'll show them. They think they can take me foregranted, we'll see how they like this boring mess." The first night of the display, the visitors (small in number as they may have been), were astonished. Their phones lit up with dials to their friends and neighbors. Soon enough, the line of cars stretched back miles and miles, longer than it ever had in the heyday of the display. The farmer shook his head while his farmhands stood agape at the traffic. "I don't believe it! How could this be so popular?" the lead farmhand asked the farmer. "It's simple. Everybody says they want to see something original but what really gets them going is the same old post over and over again."
Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US…
… will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan
A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
And everything is fine because they aren't assholes.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
A man dies and meets God
God tells him "Because of your excellent behaviour in life, I will grant you one wish, you can ask me anything." The man says "Okay, Tell me who killed JFK?" God says "It was Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone, using his own rifle" The man says "Wow, this goes higher up than I thought"
Why donât blind people like to go skydiving?
It scares the dog.
Mountains arenât just funny
Theyâre hill areas
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
I don’t understand my wife, once a month she loses her temper at me.
I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.
LPT : If you ever get locked out of your house,
Talk to your lock calmly because communication is key.
What do you call a prearranged rap battle?
A diss appointment.
Nobody knew who the Iranian general was a few days ago…
He just kinda blew up
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, â oh thatâs just a freebie.â
What do a priest and a silver medalists have in common?
They both came in a little behind
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex…
He's a small arms dealer
What’s the difference between a mechanic and a priest?
The mechanic waits til you've grown up to fuck you.
Me and my wife stopped talking for weeks after we blamed each other for not defrosting the refrigerator.
Finally, I decided to break the ice.
What car do lawyers love?
Subarus.
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw them in the mainstream
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, âShouldnât! Wouldnât! Couldnât! Didnât! Canât!â
âDonât worry,â said the doc. âThose are just contractions.â
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop talking in clickbait.
What happened next will shock you!
A cannibal is someone who…
…is fed up with people.
A man walks into the doctor’s office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass
The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."
What is Yodaâs last name?
Lay hee hoo
The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.
The rest, as they say, is History.
Cop: Sit on that chair,so we can interrogate you.
Lawyer : (whispering) Deny everything. Me : This isn't a chair.
My wife embarrased me by ordering a racially insensitive drink at Starbucks today…
She ordered a Black coffee, I quickly apologized to the barista and said, "I'm sorry she meant to say an African Americano."