The creator of winrar is arrested
His trial is expected to last forever
Me trying to pour 20.0 mL from a 4 L container.
Debt be gone
After Adam stayed out for a few nights, Eve became suspicious.
“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded. “What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.” That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. “What are you doing?” “Counting your ribs.”
We just don’t “understand”
I had sex with a blind girl yesterday
She said, “You have the biggest penis I’ve ever put my hands on.” I said, “Nah. Your just pulling my leg.”
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
Teacher asked me to keep all the equations in my head
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening at around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you,” the husband said. “I've been having an affair with my secretary and we had sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
I put in a advanced red stop button if it takes over the world!
Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"
KFC job application
Scientific progression …
Somebody broke into my house and stole my limbo stick!
I mean… how low can you get!
[On the highway] My wife: Hey, you missed a right!
Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right!
A person was accused of burying someone in cement
but there was no concrete evidence.
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
What do you call an old, Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today…
He asked me to help him check his balance…. So I pushed the fucker over.
I won’t say that I didn’t smile from this.
At least she has a good sense of humor?
Spot the difference
I used to hate facial hair.
Then it grew on me.
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th July
But not Fire. Fire works
We shouldn’t be surprised from a 5-time draft-dodger.
I met a snooty dude at a party in Boston, and I asked him “Did you go to Harvard?”
He said, “Yale”. I said, “I SAID, DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?”
Do you know why I don’t do threesomes?
Because if i wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd visit my parents.
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can't opener
Why did the pianist get arrested?
Because he was fingering minors.
My daughter FINALLY got an ‘A’ on her essay!!
Only 1,999 more words to go!!
My dad sent this to me this morning. He sends shit like this all the time unironically
Donkey the geologist
Now that to u think of it…
These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven
When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks." So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It's almost impossible not to step on a duck there's so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one. St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen. St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!" The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!" The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn't want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he's extremely careful where he steps. Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on. She's tall, curvaceous, tanned and extremely sexy. Without a word, St. Peter chains the woman to the third guy. The guy happily says to the woman, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
Dad, why is that book so thick?
"It's a long story"
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
It’s funny to cheat on your wife.
Condoms do not Guarantee safe sex
Last week a friend of mine was wearing a condom, when the women’s husband came home and shot him dead
A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier
They were talking about the bravery of their sailors. The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.” He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up”. The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says, “That gentlemen, is courage" The American says that's nothing. He calls over a PO and says, "I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return". The PO salutes jumps off the bow, swims to the stern and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says, “That gentlemen, is courage" The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here!". The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again" The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off". The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that gentlemen, is courage"
I too live in fear of Shrödinger
She has a point.
The humour of the boomer
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend…
…and chimney installations are through the roof!
Addition polymers obviously only occur across double bonds.
Winning has been canceled since 1-20-17
A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the assistant behind the counter "Can you tell me where the anal deodorant is please?" The assistant looks confused and says "I'm sorry sir, I don't think we stock that". "Are you sure?" he says, "I'm nearly certain I got my last stick of it from here". "I've never seen any" she says, "but I'll ask my manager". The manager comes to the counter and says "Hello, just making sure I understand what you're wanting, did you want some anal deodorant?" "Yes" the man replies, "I've bought it from here before and I'd like some more please." "OK" says the manager, "I've worked here for over 10 years and I'm sure we've never sold anal deodorant." "But I've bought it from here before!" the man protested, "tell you what, I'll find my old one from home and bring it in to show you." The next day he walks into the shop again and finds the same manager, "Look!" he says smugly, "here's the last anal deodorant I bought from here!" The manager takes it from him, inspects it carefully and replies, "I'm sorry sir but this appears to just be a normal stick of deodorant." "Not at all!" the man says, "look on the back, it clearly says: Take off cap and push up bottom."
Dad Jokes – Try not to LAUGH
No text found
What did Batman tell Robin before getting in the car?
Robin get in the car
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert." The blonde thinks "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast." The Frenchman thinks "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake." The Englishman thinks "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."
She forgot her hair was cut.
Dad: so at the ball drop we all have to put our left leg in the air
Me: why Dad: so we can start the new year on the right foot! Me: why are you the way that you are
wanna bang Karen ?
Fish wife bad
Wife = bad
Oh GOD !
Imagine if both the places were combined together.
No crying afterwards
Chuck Norris caught the coronavirus
but later decided to let it go.
How to not be so gay while you program