The curious customer
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
It comes with an Elon Musk.
Sorry just practicing
A blast from the past
“You’re much bigger than that.”
A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90. In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955. In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see that the shoe shop was still in business and is still at the same location. The man enters the shop and starts talking to the owner. The owner explains that he is, in fact, the grandson of the original owner and has worked in the shop all his life. The man gives the ticket to the shop owner and he heads into the back of the shop just to see if the shoes are still there. After some time he returns from the back of the and exclaims "Amazingly I was able to find the shoes! They will be ready on Monday."
They have anty-bodies
Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a Condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the condom. As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said ”Give me another condom because my Girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She's always flirting with the way she crosses her legs and I might have a chance there too". The pharmacist gave him a second condom. As Peter was leaving, he turns back one more time and says "Give me one more condom. Her mum is still pretty cute and she always tries to get my attention with the way she sways her hips or licks her lips". The pharmacist gave him a third condom. During dinner, Peter sat down with his Girlfriend on his left, her sister on his right and her mum facing him. Once her father enters the room, Peter repectfully lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given given us". Ten minutes later, Peter is still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness. ….". More time goes by and he's still praying, his head down close to the table. The rest of the family keep looking at each other surprised. His girlfriend eventually moves in close and whispers "I didn't know you were so religious?". Peter, with his head still on the table replies "I didn't know your father was a Pharmacist".
So he can fit in his spaceship
Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
I’d love to have one
I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
And then it dawned on me.
A man has been stranded on an island for 10 years, when one day, a beautiful woman emerges out of the sea in a wetsuit. "How long has it been since you've had a beer?" she asks. "10 years" says the man. She unzips one of her pockets to reveal a bottle of beer. He drinks it and says "Man, that's good!" She than asks "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "10 years!" says the man. She unzips her other pocket and ands him a cigarette. He lights it and smokes it. She then starts unzipping the main zipper of her wetsuit saying "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" to which the man replies "Woah! Don't tell me you have a jet ski in there!"
I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.
So when someone asks, tell them it's 12345678
There was nothing left but de Brie.
Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite? NaBrO.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!" 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
I’ve got a few Twix up my sleeve.
They both slowly remove clogs.
A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”
The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”
A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer who was walking by, heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!"
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
It's down to its last quarter.
I know there is a joke here but I can't find it.
They'll kill your dog
Doctor: “Let’s call it.”
Then she looked in the freezer
Because they'll do unspeakable things to you.
Guy: I’m coming over Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
Knock-Knock "who's there?" Interrupting Snail. "Interrupting snail wh-" SNAIL.
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Tell him Obama put it in
It was then I realized my life was a joke.