The day the jokes died…
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
“I won’t use stores that gender kids’ beds”
"Like a boycott?" "Don't you start"
What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?
Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.
I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder”…
Came up with any other phrases. Edit: Thank you for the silver
Why are the Avengers so good with tools?
They’re always assembling
nothing tops a plain pizza
No text found
My wife says I’m getting fat, but in my defense….
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently
Me: Here’s some good news. My wife is pregnant!
Friend: Congratulations! Do you know the sex? Me: Of course I know “the sex”. How else will she get pregnant?
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
People would want to program more if this were the tutorials they get on python
https://ift.tt/36muIe7
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
Finland have just closed their borders….
Which means no one can cross the finish line.
If life gives you melons…
You might have dyslexia.
Guy spits out his coffee and says to the waitress ” I dont mean to be rude, but this coffee tastes like dirt”
She replys: well yea, you told me to make sure it was fresh ground
A bear walks into a bar..
He walks up to the bartender and says "Can I get a……………….beer?" Bartender says "Why the big pause?" Bear responds "idk man I was born with them"
After a long argument with my boss, I quit my job at the helium factory.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Carrots may be good for your eyes…
But whiskey will double your vision.
Having gay parents must be terrible
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"
“That one about the guy…”
I was having a bad time once and my friend felt the need to comfort me. He said "cheer up, it could be worse. You could be stuck at the bottom of a deep hole filled with water." I knew he meant well.
A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke.
He said he'd be right back
Did my first Uber shift last night till 5am and I forgot to charge each customer.
All that work and nothing to chauffeur it
My boss fired me for making jokes about Asians again
It was the end of my Korea
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t think twice…
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget Edit: Thanks for the upvotes, I needed this for a challenge on r/ModMurder
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
My wife’s mother is a lawyer.
I have a mother-in-law.
Where do dogs keep their cold summertime treats?
In the pant-ry
How did early people discover wool?
By shear coincidence