The dealer never consumes!!!
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
My Grandma is 96 years old and she still doesn’t need glasses
She drinks straight from the bottle
My drug test came back negative.
My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
If you get an email with the subject “knock knock”, dont open it.
It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
… "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet. The bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"
Unwritten rules of Life…..
1. 2. 3.
What’s the difference between a guitar, a fish, and glue?
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish!
What happens if life gives you melons?
You're dyslexic.
My parents made me go to Stockholm with them on holiday…
… I didn’t like it at first.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician…
I was just sitting around doing nothing.
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper;
but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint. Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
What do raspberries do when they play instruments?
They have jam sessions!
I’m really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.
Now every little ting is gonna be all right!
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar
My girlfriend changed a lot since she became vegan
It's like I have never seen herbivore
My friend tried to convince me “whey” is spelled “whfey”
There's no f in whey
What part of your body is the last to die?
Your eyes, cause they dilate
Something a climate denier told me
I dont know if this goes here but I think you all would find it funny.I was talking to a cousin about climate change (he claims its a hoax and that it is happening, but says not because of humans, in the same conversation). He said something that I just cant understand he said”if a fact CANNOT be disputed than it is not a fact.”Last time I checked facts where facts because they could not be disputed.
I just found out “AUGGHHH” isn’t a real word
I can't express how that makes me feel.
Sumida Aquarium eels are forgetting what humans look like and hiding from workers
https://ift.tt/2VXoHBe
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason…
…details are sketchy.
What does a lawyer wear to court
A lawsuit
Why should you never play poker against the Queen of England when she is sitting on a toilet?
Because you can't beat a royal flush.
Did you hear about the new pen that can write underwater?
It can write other words too.
What do I hate most about my Rubik’s Cube?
Well, I don't know where to begin.
Grandma took my weed so I took her wheelchair.
Neither of us is rolling.
A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, “Watch this, brah!” hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.
"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot. "Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot. The plane just goes straight for a while. "How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot. The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?" The cargo pilot replies, "I went to the galley and got myself some more coffee."
Coworker dressed as Chewbacca: “This costume is too hot to work in, I’ll never do that again”
Its ok it was a wookie mistake
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
People in Germany were hoarding sausage and cheese due to the pandemic,
It was the wurst käse scenario.
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
Because they had a fight and 71.
I haven’t had sex since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
I was visiting my pregnant friend at the hospital, and the only parking spot I could find was in the C section.
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
A man was found abusing words
He got a sentence.
What kind of fur do you get from a werewolf?
As fur away as you can get.
