The dedication here is under appreciated
Happy Father's Day!
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
I said, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat". He raised an eyebrow and replied, "if you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself".
How low can you go?
"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!" "Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement." Satan, fighting back tears: "Fuck you, go to hell!"
Wife:why is it that you don't like anyone from my side of family? Husband: No way, I love your Mother-in-law more than my Mother-in-law.
What letter is this? "Y" Because I'm asking you! What letter is it?? "Y!" How am I supposed to know if you've learnt it if you don't tell me?? What letter is this?? I look at him. He's looking at me. I can see his brain stuck in a loop he's not sure how to get out of. He sees me starting to crack up and out it comes, the unquestionable evidence of a successful dad joke "Ugh! DAAAAAAAAADDDD"
He wasn’t a drunk, just awful with crosswords.
"Nice Jimmy Choo."
He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!
Can you imagine Hispanic?
My parents said that if I wanted to go travelling then I’d have to save up. So I’ve been saving up for three years now.
Still can't afford a train ticket.
One sells watches, while the other watches cells. 😆
because its hands were constantly touching its face
He just can’t part with it.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
I thought it was a bit odd. Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.
Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.