The devil visits a politician and makes him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil says. "I'll get you billions of dollars, unlimited political influence, and anything else you can dream of. All I ask for in return is death, disease and poverty for millions of people around the world." The politician thinks for a moment and says, “What's the catch?"
When Brexit hits…
That’s what table salt is
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm.
I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.
I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."
Don’t know if this counts
What do you call people who take care of chickens?
What keeps ants from getting coronavirus?
It's their little anty bodies.
As an Aussie, I feel sorry for my American friends and their government
After all, they’re still stuck in the last decade
How do you introduce a hamburger?
Trump and truth are only passing acquaintances
Bless his handsome little heart!
Those damn entitled millenials with their “consent” and “boundaries”!
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.” To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. “Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”
blunt but true
Well maybe I don’t want to be the bad guy anymore
The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.
The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!” Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!” So the Pope slapped him.
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for his check. Duck billed platypus.
Need some aloe for that burn
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
Getting into the holiday spirit with facebook
I just finished a documentary on beavers
Best dam movie I've ever seen.
I was going to make an alzhiemers joke
but I forgot it
Hmmmm…. I wonder…..
Making apps in Power Point is a state of mind
Made mediocre black bean soup and dropped the pot in my hand
Physics meme a friend sent me
I tripped in France
Donald has been grabbed.
Take off the hat
My wife just told me to put the toilet seat down.
I don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
Where’s Waldo: Coronavirus Edition
Figured it would be better here. Left the username for credit of course.
Experienced developer restructures the code (no tests)
When Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez did another mic drop …
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid. “State of the Art,” he said, “It cost me a fortune.”
I said, “Awesome. What type is it?” He said, “ Two thirty.”
Let us die? He’d gladly kill us all to stay in power.
TIL weather.com has a Kelvin option
I’m waiting >:(
wed good, phone bad
Monday morning mini-stroke
When your code doesn’t work like you want it to but it still does it’s job
Fuck this President.
How do you tell between a boy ant and a girl ant?
Drop it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, it's boyant
“the poor are killing industries by not having money”
My mate David had his ID stolen…
… I now call him Dav.
I can’t breathe, James Zhang, pencil, 2020
How do you measure how heavy a chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Who do Nuns travel in pairs ?
So one Nun can make sure that the other Nun doesn't get none.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.98, deer nuts are under a buck.
At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me…
Guess I went a little too far with that joke.
I told my wife she painted her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
They said what they said
Super Tuesday in one photo
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
Why don’t cannibals like ramen
They prefer cooked men
AI is gonna take over the world. (credit to u/VanaticalDesign)
What do you call an exploding duck?
I just had to breakup with my cross eyed girlfriend
She was seeing other people
Where do lizards go to fix their fallen tails?
The retail shop
I’ve long suspected this.