The difference between Democrats and Republicans
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run!
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
Made this a month ago, someone should make a better version
Made this a month ago, someone should make a better version
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.
"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring or normal pet – no cats, dogs, or birds – I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?," the main replied, "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the unusual offering, the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey, he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk, he will take it back to the shop for a refund. An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks!?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time!!! I'm putting my shoes on!"
Why don’t women work at the post office?
It's a mail dominated industry.
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks.
Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid..
At least he likes at least one thing raw.
Did you hear about the guy who was killed in the can crusher?
It was soda pressing.
Why did nobody laugh when the king farted?
Noble gasses don't cause a reaction
A red cross worker is cold calling people for donations
A Red Cross worker is cold calling people for donations and comes across a lawyer where records shows he makes $500k+ a year and hasn’t made a single charitable donation. So the Red Cross worker calls the lawyer and asks if he’d like to donate. The lawyer says “no “,thank you.” The Red Cross worker replies, “well, my records show that you make over half a million a year and haven’t made a single charitable donation so why can’t you help us out? I’m sure you can afford at least a small donation…” and the lawyer replies “oh really, well do your records tell you about my brother who served in the war and is in a coma with extremely expensive hospital bills? Or what about my mother? Do they tell you about how she’s sick with even more expensive hospital bills year after year?” At this point the Red Cross worker is very embarrassed and says “I’m sorry sir, I had no idea.” And the lawyer goes “so if I’m not helping them out what makes you think I’d help you out?”
My wife asked me for some peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step…
I think I’m being stalked…
People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.
I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer,
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other.
How fast does light travel?
a. 10,000 km/s b. 100,000 km/s c. d. 1,000,000 km/s
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me “Do you need help?”
I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"
Why did the soda factory worker quit his job?
It was too much fizzical labor.
We thank all the essential employees which is why we decided to cut your wages
https://ift.tt/3fzDfPk
I don’t know why they haven’t put any advertisements on the hulk
He is essentially a giant banner
Two old Jews are walking past a church
A sign out front reads, "Convert to Catholicism, get $20." The first Jew keeps walking, but soon notices his friend has stopped to take a closer look at the sign. "You're not actually thinking about doing that, are you?" he asks his friend. The second Jew turns back and says, "I don't know, twenty dollars is twenty dollars." He goes inside the Church, and comes back out about thirty minutes later. "So," says the first Jew, "did you get the twenty dollars?" The second Jew turns to his friend and says, "Oy, is that all you people think about?"
Two radio antennas fell in love and got married
The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!
Oldest man on Earth
A journalist wanting to make his debut, searched far and wide for the oldest man on the planet thinking that his stories will amaze the world. After months of traveling from large cities to temples he finally finds out that the oldest man on Earth is 150 years old and lives in a small mountain village. The journalist arrives at the village and manages to find the man. He is bald and as wrinkly as it gets and has a long white beard. Journalist: "Hello, sir. According to my research, you must be the oldest man on earth. Since you have lived for such a long time I m sure that you have tons of stories to tell the world. Please tell me, what was the best day of your life?" Gramps: " ooooh, the best day of my life you say? Then it must be the day when the daughter of my neighbour, the most beautiful girl in the village whom everybody loved, got lost in the forest. So we gathered all the men. We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the girl. We found the girl and then we all had sex with her right there in the meadow. That was such a nice day! " Journalist: " My goodness! I can't publish this! The children will be grossed out, the parents angry and everyone will think that back in the old times there were only rapists… Old man, what if you tell me about a regular day of your life? Gramps: "ooooh, a regular day you say? Then it must be the days when someone had lost his goat in the forest, good times indeed. When that happened: We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the goat. We found the goat and then we all had sex with it right there in the meadow. Yeah, those were the days! " Journalist:" Oh My God! This is outright bestiality, I can't share this with the world!!! Ok since this path isn't working how about you tell me about the worst day of your life? " Gramps widens his eyes and feels a shiver going down his spine. Gramps: "…….. One day I got lost in the forest….. "
My parents said that if I got a tattoo I’d have to get it in a place that didn’t matter…
So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.
What do you discover when you find bones on the moon?
The cow didn't make it.
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s got little legs
A mentor of mine once told me
that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.
Before I became a dad, I was truly concerned that I wouldn’t know how to be a good father
Thankfully, turns out it's in my blood. I come from a long line of Fathers.
Husband: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out [Later] Husband: helping the kids pack a suitcase look I'm as surprised as you are
I found a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line
Did you hear about Santa grounding Rudolph this year for getting a D in class?
Yep, he went down in History
A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you’ll last longer.
So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight" But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go under his car and pretend he's fixing something but actually having a wank. So on his way home he pulls over, crawls under his car, closes his eyes and imagines his wife. Suddenly he hears a voice, "Excuse me sir, what do you think your doing?" In shock he answers," I'm just fixing my car, the gear box was malfunctioning". The man answers " I think the handbrake is as well, your car went down the hill about five minutes ago"
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience
The second time let me down