The difference is stark
I never understood school shooting jokes…
I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience.
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
Two men walk into a bar. One man orders H2O. The other says,”I’ll have H2O, too.”
The second man dies. That's why you shouldn't repost.
A man stood in the plane and shouted “Hijack”…
All the passengers got scared…. Then from the other side of the plane a guy shouted back…"Hey Dave".
What do affordable healthcare and sarcasm have in common?
Most Americans don't get it.
What do you call a Werewolf YouTuber?
Lycansubscribe
I’m no longer a 21 year old virgin
I turned 22.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually
Patient: am I gonna be fine, doctor?
Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus. Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit. Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates…..
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Army helicopter pilot thumbed through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. It did make light; you may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said The Navy C-2 pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said, 'they had a ring to them, you may pass through the pearly gates'. The Air Force fighter pilot started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women'spanties.. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' He replied, 'These are Carols.' And So The Christmas Season Begins. . .
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.
“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in‘unt?” Only one word leaps to his mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is aunt." “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
Did you hear about the transgender vegan?
He was a herbefor
The Mailman
Courtesy of my science teacher who gives us a joke every day before class. A kid, about 5 or 6 years old, woke up one night at 4 in the morning screaming. His mother rushed into the room to see what was wrong. He told her he dreamed that their cat died. The mother assured him the cat was fine and they both went back to sleep. At about two o'clock in the afternoon the next day, the mother went outside to find their cat, which wasn't that old, dead. The next early morning, the kid woke up screaming again, and the mother rushed in. He informed her he dreamed that their grandma died. Almost like clockwork, the mother got a call at two o'clock that their grandma had a heart attack. She didn't make it over in time to say goodbye. Once again, at 4 in the morning the kid woke up screaming. Same scenario, except this time the kid said, "I had a dream daddy died." At this point, the parents are scared, so they hatch a plan to make sure the dad didn't die. The next morning, the dad got up, ate breakfast, and went to work, being very careful and scared on the road. He made it to his office, and locked himself in. He waited a until midnight before coming home, exhausted but alive. They were both happy, but the dad asked, "did anything happened while I was gone?" The mother said, "Yeah, didn't you hear? The mailman was delivering and got run over by a truck and died!"
Son: What rhymes with orange?
Dad: No, it doesn’t
What are paramedics favorite gaming console?
Wii U!!! Wii U!! Wii U!!
A bad workman blames his fools..
EDIT: *tools stupid keyboard
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
What do you call the Italian hood?
The Spaghetto.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
Today, I crossed the street, changed a light bulb, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From the well, actually.
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beets
The Gift
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the women's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio
If I had 50 cents for everytime I failed a math test..
I would have $6.38.
I’m hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can't come, let me know.
Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!
Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
A child asked his dad,” how are coins made”.
The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press". Then the child responded," That makes cents".
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eye out.
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender say, “ we don’t serve food here”