The discord thing was enough.
I like them alot. EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes. EDIT2: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
We just clicked.
He could binomial!
A receding hare line.
Feeling cannelloni right now.
I said: "There's the door."
He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
3 US Veterans are sitting before their last medical check-up. The doctor walks out and says: we are going to take one measurement from your body and it will be your monthly payment for the retirement. all the veterans agree. The first says from my toes to my head, they take the measurement so doctor says okay its 6ft so we gonna pay you 6000$ a month The second puts his hand as high as he can, the doctor says okay its 6"2 so we gonna pay you 6200$ a month. The Third says I want it from the tip of my dick to my balls. the doctor confused says: Are you sure sir? 100 % he replies. take off his pants and the doctors starts and then asks, where are your balls sir ? he replies: they are In Vietnam son.
They throw one cigarette overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter. (heard in the Adam West Batman series)
It's a little too crude.
The longest sentence is ‘I do.’
You get repossessed.
I can't believe I never mentioned herbivore.
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a soda comes out, who does the soda belong to… me or the machine?"
You could hear them say: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??
And tells him that a customer just complained about the oven baked flatbread. His manager told him not to worry about it. The waiter went back to work but came back to his manager a few minutes later saying another customer was complaining about the oven baked flatbread. The manager said that it wasn’t important and that he should go back to work. The waiter again returned to work but a few minutes later returned saying that yet another customer was dissatisfied with the oven baked flat bread. The manager told him to forget it. The waiter asked why he wouldn’t talk to him about it. The manager said “Don’t worry, it’s a naan-issue!”
…is only one sea away from Ireland?
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
Creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Yeah me too.
I was hired as a security guard for the fruit importer, keeping watch on a shipment of oranges, but my parents said I claimed just Naval gazing!
His last entry was about twelve years old.
nsfw Sorry if I offended any of you. If you need some eyebleach I have a ton.
A humble bee
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
My 14 year old daughter got up from the table after eating a bowl of cereal, so I told her to put the milk away. Then we had this exchange: "Before you put that back in the fridge, why don't you plug it into the iPhone charger on the counter first?" "What? What are you talking about?" "Yeah, you gotta charge up that milk. It's only at one percent!" I say it so often now that my kids stopped eating cereal, and have pretty much cut dairy from their diets.
Then I was born.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
On one hand it feels great, on the other hand, not so much