The Economists
How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea saw
An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)
An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff… Dad… I became a prostitute…" The father was furious. "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family – I don't ever want to see you again!" "OK Dad, as you wish." the daughter replied. "I just came back to give Mum this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club. And I have an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…." The father stopped her, "Now what was it you said you had become?" Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff… A prostitute Dad!" "Oh! Sweet Jesus!" he replied, "You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said 'a Protestant.' Come here and give your old man a hug!"
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
“Un, deux, trois, quatre”, radioed the French ship…
…before it cinq. "Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence. "Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres. "One," radioed the British ship before it went two. "Won," radioed the American sub.
What did the cowboy say when he was reborn?
What incarnation?!
A weasel goes to the bar
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.” “Pop!” goes the weasel.
Another one of those “impeachable if it was any other presidents” to throw on the pile.
https://ift.tt/2CtoYkV
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
Where did Captain Hook purchase his hook?
At a second hand store.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An Irrelephant.
Why should you leave the restroom if someone walks in playing Pokemon Go?
Because they might be trying to catch a pikachu.
“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.
No text found
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
Obi Wan: Yoda, you en-route?
Yoda: Off course I am!
Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you never turn your back on your own family.
Did you hear the meh French woodworking tourism slogan?
Come see, come saw
Do you think oranges become juice willingly
Or are they getting pressured into it?
Husband: Why are the defective condoms lying on the sofa?
Wife: What? Wife goes to find them and comes back angrily saying: I will kill you, if you don't stop calling our children 'Defective Condoms'. Edit: Guys this is just a dark joke… It's not real… I didn't overhear any conversation like that… And I don't have any kids of my own…
My doctor said that my narcissistic tendencies cause me to misread social interactions.
But I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me
My dad´s always complaining about the cost of things…
"€1.50 for a coffee? €3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. That´s the last time I invite him over to my house.
A friend of mine said…
…that he had made the world’s flattest, blandest dough. To that I responded, “Prove it then!”
Why don’t blind people like to go skydiving?
It scares the dog.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (the answer is not what you’re thinking)
Not what you're thinking
Got my first tattoo today
But it was only temporary. (I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
I’m a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children!
Edit: four children Second edit: 2 children!
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
What do affordable healthcare and sarcasm have in common?
Most Americans don't get it.
BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
What do you call a redditor who can wield Mjolnir?
A reddithor.
Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?
They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy
What’s something only 10 year olds can do?
Turn 11. My kid asked me that question and they clearly had something else in mind, because she was less than enthusiastic about my response.
What Did the Janitor Say When He Jumped Out of the Closet?
"Supplies!" I'll see myself out
I have a hard time falling asleep.
It's much easier to fall when I'm awake.