The elegant way
Son: Mom, Dad, I’m gay.
Dad: clenches fist Mom: DON’T Dad: sweats profusely Mom: … Dad: HI GAY I’M DAD
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.
Ever wonder what to say to your sister when she’s crying?
“Are you having a crisis?”
If a woman from Cuba marries a man from Iceland
Are their children called ice cubes?
What has 8 legs and 8 eyes?
8 pirates
If Satan ever loses his hair…
…there will be hell toupee.
I was in the supermarket when a guy threw a block of cheese at me.
I looked over at him and shouted, “Well that’s not very mature is it??”
What’s a pirate’s favorite country?
Djibouti
Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet?
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs
The Hindenburg
Edit: Wow! I didn't know this would blow up!
Last night I dreamt I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
The Colonel and the Comet
COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS OFFICERS: "TOMORROW EVENING AT APPROXIMATELY 2000 HOURS HALLEY'S COMET WILL BE VISIBLE IN THIS AREA. AN EVENT WHICH OCCURS ONLY ONCE EVERY 75 YEARS. HAVE THE MEN FALL OUT IN THE BATTALION AREA IN FATIGUES AND I WILL EXPLAIN THIS RARE PHENOMENON TO THEM. IN CASE OF RAIN. WE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SEE ANYTHING, SO ASSEMBLE THE MEN IN THE THEATER AND I WILL SHOW THEM FILMS OF IT." EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER: "BY ORDER OF THE COLONEL, TOMORROW AT 2000 HOURS, HALLEY'S COMET WILL APPEAR ABOVE THE BATTALION AREA. IF IT RAINS, FALL THE MEN OUT IN FATIGUES, THEN MARCH TO THE THEATER WHERE THIS RARE PHENOMENON WILL TAKE PLACE, SOMETHING WHICH OCCURS ONLY ONCE EVERY 75 YEARS." COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT: "BY ORDER OF THE COLONEL IN FATIGUES AT 2000 HOURS TOMORROW EVENING, THE PHENONOMENAL HALLEY'S COMET WILL APPEAR IN THE THEATER. IN CASE OF RAIN, IN THE BATTALION AREA, THE COLONEL WILL GIVE ANOTHER ORDER, SOMETHING WHICH OCCURS ONCE EVERY 75 YEARS." LEUTENANT TO SERGEANT: "TOMORROW AT 2000 HOURS, THE COLONEL WILL APPEAR IN THE THEATER WITH HALLEY'S COMET, SOMETHING WHICH HAPPENS EVERY 75 YEARS. IF IT RAINS, THE COLONEL WILL ORDER THE COMET INTO THE BATTALION AREA." SERGEANT TO SQUAD: "WHEN IT RAINS TOMORROW AT 2000 HOURS. THE PHENOMENAL 75 YEAR OLD GENERAL HALLEY, ACCOMPANIED BY THE COLONEL, WILL DRIVE HIS COMET THROUGH THE BATTALION AREA THEATER IN FATIGUES."
How come 11 ants couldn’t park their cars at their ant hill?
Because parking is for ten ants only!
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
No text found
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I’m not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
I would post a joke about Buddhism
But I don’t have enough karma
I spotted an albino dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do
Recess and cookies
An elementary teacher asks her students what they did during recess. Teacher: Johnny what did you do doing recess? Johnny: I played in the sandbox. Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "sand" on the board, you get a cookie. Johnny writes "sand" and gets his cookie. Teacher: Alright Suzie, what did you do? Suzie: I played in the sandbox with Johnny. Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "box" on the board, you get a cookie. Suzie writes "box" and gets her cookie. Teacher: Jamal, what did you do? Jamal: Well, I tried to play with Johnny and Suzie, but they kicked sand in my face. Teacher: Oh no, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can write "blatant racial discrimination" on the board, you get a cookie.
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn leaves…
My favorite sex position is “WOW”…
it's where I flip your MOM over
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
If I dont perfect human cloning..
I won't be able to live with myself.
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago….
…since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
The Soviet army is marching in Finland
They hear a voice from the other side of a hill, "one Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends one hundred Soviet soldiers. There is more gunfire and then silence. The voice speaks up again and says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one thousand Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general then sends one thousand Soviet soldiers. There is a lot of gunfire and then silence. After awhile a Soviet soldier crawls over the hill and say to the general, "do not send more troops, it's a trap, there are two Finnish soldiers."
What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?
An Oopsie-daisy!