The elevator to heaven has been broken for 8 hours.
Can God create a lift on which he can't wait?
A guy marvels at himself in the mirror
Guy: "Ah just three more inches and I'd be KING" His wife on the bed behind him: "Three inches less and you'd be QUEEN"
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!
Me: Wait, I can explain everything!
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
I’ve been diagnosed with a terrible disease that makes me tell an abundance of airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs?
He was lacktoes intolerant.
Please stop the hate on the lazy people
They didn’t do anything at all
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.
Always Coming From Take Me Down
I like my women how I like my Coronavirus
19 and easy to spread
What do you call a dinosaur fart ?
A blast from the past
When science helps you with your impatience but also makes you never work on it.
https://ift.tt/2VPdBOW
First woman on the moon:
“Houston, we have a problem.” What? “Never mind” What’s the problem? “Nothing” Please tell us? “You know what the problem is.”
Me: As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to feel that 60 is the new 30.
Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!
Australians don’t have sex
They m8
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Met a homeless man with a sign that said “One Dollar for a Dirty Joke”
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: "All right sir, what's your name?" Me: "John." Homeless man: "So John, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right again, now look at that white cat walking around – how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: "I don't know. A lot?" Homeless man: "Well John, how do you know so much about black cock and so little about white pussy?"
I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks…
I'm outstanding.
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower gets turned on.
Harry Potter could be a great mafia boss
He always catches the snitch
Went to the swimming pool the other day and desperately need to pee so just peed in the pool
Got such a fright when the lifeguard blew his whistle that I nearly fell in..
Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin so after 24 hours
They called it a day
I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”
But today, I ran over 5 miles
To the person who hacked into my reddit account…
I will find you, and I will kill you. edit: no you wont
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
It received two consecutive sentences.
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 3 AM!
Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing the tuba.
A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.
The driver then starts to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio isn't even turned on. The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence. "Hey, ma-" "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!" The driver abruptly hit the breaks. "Dude, wtf!" the passenger complained. The driver then apologised "Sorry, man. It's my first time on the job and I haven't adjusted from my previous job yet." "What did you do before this?" "I drove a hearse."
Joe Biden may not be exciting to liberals (myself included), but let’s keep perspective here
https://ift.tt/2THaNAY