The Emperor has no mask
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video.
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza delivery guy.
He laughs at them sometimes
Goes up to the drivers window, says “license and registration please.” Guy says “here is my registration, I’m sorry but I don’t have my license on me.” The officer, in a good mood replies, “that’s okay, what’s your name I can look you up in our system” “Nick” “Nick… what?” “Nick nothing, just nick.” Cop says “okay I’m trying to be nice, don’t fuck with me. Explain.” Guy replies “ Well I was born Nicholas Johnson. Everyone always called me Nick Johnson. I went to medical school, became a doctor. So then my name was Nick Johnson M.D. “ “One night in Vegas I was with a hooker, she unfortunately gave me VD. When I got back home they called me Nick Johnson M.D. with VD. Somehow one of my patients got infected so they took away my medical license so then my friends called me Nick Johnson with VD. “Then the VD took my Johnson so now I’m just Nick”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!
I told her, no, but I wouldn't mind playing with the box they came in.
I poisoned his milk but he found out and killed my dad.
They were great yolks
Just because a bunch of black dudes are in the same room with each other doesn't make it a gang.
Therapist: What brought you two here today? Her: I hate how he takes things so literally. Therapist: And you? Him: A car.
After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well…
During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.
Kid: What’re you eating, dad? Dad: Well, let’s see… whole grains, mashed fruit and bean paste. Kid: Ewwwwwww!
Dad: What’s wrong? I thought you loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!
Give it a badge and a gun
cos 0 = 1
Between you and me, something smells.
What's wobbly in the sky A jellycopter Not the best execution, but I'm happy he's joining the tradition of bad jokes
…and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.
Don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time…
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
I've named him Alen.
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes. "Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you." My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired." Those were his last words.
Saw a fellow whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitiser, baby wipes, soaps, toilet paper; everything that people are in need of. I called him a selfish b*stard and gave him a lecture about the elderly and infirm etc. who need these types of things. Told him he should be ashamed of himself! He said: "That’s all good and well mate, but I work here, so can I carry on filling the shelves now?”
…as "the most violent book I've ever read."
They said, "Thanks." "Don't mention it," I answered.