The end is Nye.
It’s a great time to be an ER doctor.
Business is really surgeon.
I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.
Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.
My uncle posted this on FB with the caption “We could all learn from this guy”
https://ift.tt/2Udc17o
An Asian man and a Jewish man walk into a bar
The Chinese man goes: “Hi, my name is Joe Chan, what’s yours?” The Jew replies: “Michael Goldberg… Hey you know, I never did forget you Koreans for Pearl Harbor.” The Chinese man, surprised, replies: “Uhhh… Pearl Harbor was done by the Japanese, not Koreans, and I’m Chinese.” “Well.. Chinese, Japanese, Korean, what’s the difference?” “You know… I never did forgive you Jews for sinking the Titanic.” “Uhhh… but that was an iceberg.” “Greenberg, Goldberg, iceberg, what’s the difference?”
I met a strange man the other day really trying to sell me the health benefits of inhaling helium.
He spoke very highly off it.
When life gives you melons
You may be dyslexic
My friends accused me that I have no sense of direction
So I grabbed my things and right.
I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift…
She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”
I just had to divorce an Apple employee
It was an iDivorce
I am convinced that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She keeps denying it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
I broke up with my college girlfriend because she was obsessed with finding the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing" the woman says and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray
"Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant. "No, it kills them."
Half of us are gonna come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks
and the other half are gonna come out with a drinking problem.
My wife showed me a meme post on Instagram
I told her I already Reddit.
While he was out, my husband text me ‘I think I’ll run through the car wash on my way home.’
I replied: 'Probably better to drive the car through.'
I just found out “AUGGHHH” isn’t a real word
I can't express how that makes me feel.
Knock knock…
Who’s there? Hike. Hike who? Warm midnight falling. Stars shining, dancing brightly. Peaceful all at once
My 3 year old’s first joke
What's wobbly in the sky A jellycopter Not the best execution, but I'm happy he's joining the tradition of bad jokes
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner…
That was my wholemeal…
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
I found out my toaster isn’t waterproof
I was shocked
When women wear bikinis, they expose about 96% of their bodies.
But men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
I took the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t seem to have too much of a case.”
Someone just complimented my wife and told her that she and our daughter looked like twins.
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I too, was once a male trapped in a female’s body….
But then I was born.
If my girlfriend had a dollar for every time I made a sexist joke…
she would have $0.77
Why is it good to have a crab as a friend?
They'll come through for you in a pinch
How many “friendzoned” nice guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it for hours and get pissed when it won't screw.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature
How does a lawyer stop the bleeding?
Attorney-kit.
What did the casket say to the other casket?
Is that you coffin?
I used to be addicted to soap,
but I'm clean now.