The endosymbiotic theory in a nut shell
What are goosebumps for?
To slow geese down.
Girlfriend stood there last night accusing me of cheating on her.
I thought to myself; "Damn, she sounds just like the wife"
Job interview
At a recent job interview I was asked "Can you perform under pressure?" I said "Unfortunately not, but I know the words to Bohemian Rhapsody."
The light bulb comes on for a very stable genius with a good brain, probably the best brain
https://ift.tt/2vQx8UT
What do you add to make a car go faster?
No text found
Why did the mechanic sleep under the car?
He wanted to get up oily in the morning.
Is my local newspaper trying to fight back against us meddling millennial and gen z’s?
https://ift.tt/33US5ur
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
So I got a virus on my computer
And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared. Must have ransomware.
Don’t you hate it when you smack a piñata expecting to find sweets inside…
And all you get is a hundred bee stings.
State of the subreddit and the Hackathon, and going forward
So, the first thing I’d like to clear up is that the final Hackathon stream will finally be taking place this week and judging will conclude approximately a week later. Then we’ll hand out the prizes, announce the winners and get this whole thing done with. Extremely sorry for the long wait, but scheduling differences have made it very difficult to get everything fully coordinated. We’ll be running the next one sometime next year (likely in the summer), along with some big plans, so stay tuned. twitch.tv/programmerhumorNow, as for the subreddit: despite our new Rule #0 and strike system (although it has still been extremely beneficial), we’ve still been receiving much too many low effort and barely programming related posts. This is partially an issue of enforcement, and partially due to the subjectivity of r0. To remedy this, we’ve come up with two possible changes:All posts must go through moderator approval before being allowed on the subreddit.We will hold “Memeless Mondays”, in which all analogy memes which use non-OC templates will not be allowed. So this is good, this is not.Please note that we are not implementing these changes yet. We’d like to see your take on them first – what could we improve? What could we clarify? Could they work at all? Why or why not? We don’t want this subreddit wiped clean of posts, which 24/7 memeless would do, but I feel as if holding an experiment like this would definitely be a good idea. Tell us what you think. We’ll also be bringing back our repost bot soon, which will definitely bring at least a small improvement to content quality.However, our zeroth change will require a very significant new load on moderators. After the Hackathon concludes, we’ll be opening up applications again for several new mods (preferably as many as possible in the east). If you’d like to make ProgrammerHumor about actual ProgrammerHumor again, then’s your chance, so keep an eye out.Thanks for reading this and especially thanks if you give any feedback – this would be a huge shift for the subreddit so it’s not going to be taken lightly.
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.
A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, “Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout…… Donald, duck!”
Why did dad get angry when the window was broken?
Because it was a pane to replace.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Bashing a witness at the impeachment hearing for wearing his military uniform?
https://ift.tt/2OFOglR
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
Sumida Aquarium eels are forgetting what humans look like and hiding from workers
https://ift.tt/2VXoHBe
Why should people with heart disease avoid sleeping outdoors?
Because camping is in tents.
What do you call a turkey’s evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
Why did the rapper shave off his fancy mustache?
It couldn't handle the bars.
Dong. Ding Dong.
James Bond's doorbell
[NSFW] I once knew a man who was born with no eyelids. They used his foreskin to make new ones.
You could say he was a bit cockeyed!
I usually wear 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing
Last time I got a hole in one
What do you call a psychic dwarf that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
A Tampa man dies and goes to Hell.
A Tampa man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.” The man says, “No problem. I’m from Tampa.” So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Tampa man to see how he’s doing. To the devil’s surprise, the man is doing just fine. “No problem…just like Tampa in June,” the man says. So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Tampa man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable. “No problem. Just like Tampa in July,” the man says. So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK. He says, “No problem. Just like Tampa in August.” Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland. When he goes back now to see how the Tampa man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what’s going on. To which the Tampa man replies….. “THE RAYS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!” “THE RAYS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”
What do you call a nose with no body?
Nobody knows
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her.
So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you." The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." The nun replies, "Ok well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though, firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun then says, "Ok then, pull into the next alley." The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry. The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?" The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you, I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish." The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
I had a friend whose hobby used to be rolling up and punting nun’s clothing.
He kicked the habit.
A sheep, drum and a snake fell down a cliff
Bah-dum tssssssss
My car horn wasn’t working, so I took it to a Boy Scout.
He fixed it and said, “Beep repaired”
If God had low self esteem, would that make him an atheist?
Because he doesn’t believe in himself
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian
It was the least I could have done for him.
I saw a radio for sale today for $1. Sign said its stuck on full volume.
I thought to myself "well I can't turn that down!"