The Euro cent drops
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy… that we have health insurance.
My girlfriend broke up with me.
So i stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
What do you call cold Mexican food?
Chillychangas
I was told I should be a stand up comedian
But I prefer sitting
Why is suicide illegal in China ?
Destruction of government property.
What’s the difference between a mechanic and a priest?
The mechanic waits til you've grown up to fuck you.
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.
We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france?
There was nothing but de brie.
I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.
It's syncing now.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the 'no-bell' prize."
How do you seduce a farm girl?
A tractor.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
I once grabbed a slippery soap…
It got out of hand pretty quickly
What do you call a helpful lemon?
Lemonaid
An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and a bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his new Mercedes-Benz and he will supply all of your clothes." The social worker then went on to explain further"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well…You started it!"
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
Three couples are trying to get married at the same church.
There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married. "If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest. One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?" "Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple. "How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple. "It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond. "And how about you two?" He asks the young couple. "No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend. "Tell me why," says the priest. "Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened." The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church." "We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend
Hillary Clinton says ‘many, many, many people’ are urging her to run for president in 2020.
And most of them are Republicans.
what’s hilarious is that most people think we dont need to bring back the guillotine. ha.
https://ift.tt/2DqU4KM
What do boobs and the sun have in common?
You can look at them longer if you're wearing sunglasses
I gave all my dead batteries away today…
Free of charge
Just walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
Well, that was a trip down memory lane.
My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
The Minotaur is really stubborn….
You can say he's bull-headed.
