The exact moment a “states rights” president claims total authority over them.
Cause that's when the steaks are highest.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
…the NSA will finally read it.
Don't worry, he's 0K
Drive over the speed limit.
She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman Police Officer, who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blondes driver's licence. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The Police woman said "It's square and has your picture on it" The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the Police woman. "Here it is" she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "Okay, you're free to go, I didn't realize you were a cop"
But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100 000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250 000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500 000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500 000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
You can only ran, because it's past tents
I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
Igloo it back together again.
They can't handle the stakes.
Good players are hard to find.
Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,… “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?” Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.” Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say Lesson 3: A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.” Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity Lesson 4 A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up Lesson 5: Power of Charisma A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Moral of the story: Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there." https://twitter.com/draxar/status/239766758842568704 [Total report, but topical today]
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
Excuse me, doctor – my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please?
ICU baby, shaking that ass
Personally I think it’s nuts.
This version has a virus.
Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.
Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of the room, he instead will be trapped inside forever. The first man, being a lifelong alcoholic, is presented with a room identical to his favorite drinking spot. Some of his old drinking buddies are present, along with infinitely replenishing spirits of all kinds! The first man is ecstatic and, thinking it will be an easy feat, runs inside and slams the door behind him. The second man, known for being quite the pervert, immediately feels his blood start pumping as the second door is opened. Inside are women of every shape, size, color, you name it. Every woman this man has ever fantasized about is here, ready to obey his every command. Without a word the second man rushes inside, closing the door behind him. Now the third man, having been a cannabis connoisseur for most of his life, stands in awe of the marvel before him. Inside his room is a forest containing every strand of marijuana conceivable; the shrubs are the most beautiful green hues, ebitting the stickiest of smells; the ground is littered with the highest quality nuggs, the dirt is hash rocks and kief, and the trees are actually twenty foot tall plants. The stoner can't wait to get eternally stoned and happily jaunts inside his room. 1,000 years pass… Satan, being a man of his word, decides to check on each of the men. He opens the door to the first man's room, only to find the most disgusting mess he had ever seen: blood, booze, and bodily fluids create a disgusting miasma throughout the room. Broken glass litters the floor, and the man's once-friends lie dead in various states of decay. After searching for a while, Satan happens upon the man, shrivelled up and nestled in a pile of bottles, crying and bleeding profusely. The man's wracking sobs stop as his trembling lips work to form a sentence: "P-please… Get m-me out of here…" Satan, a man of his word, reminds the man of the condition upon which he was imprisoned, and having broken his end of the bargain, the man is trapped inside eternally. "The second man must have done better than that one", Satan thinks to himself while opening the second door. Moments later, hundreds upon thousands of people come flooding out, men, women, children of all creeds, along with the scents of human waste and burnt flesh. Eventually Satan sees the man he locked in here riding the wave of people. "Get me out of here!" The man screams, and Satan seals the door forever. The third door is all that remains now; as Satan opens it, he sees the stoner meditating in the center of the forest, surrounded by a pool of tears. The forest had been untouched for the full thousand years. Satan is understandably quite confused! The stoner opens his eyes in disbelief and runs over to Satan, and shaking him by the collar he says: "Do you have a lighter, man?!"
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”
I said ,"Lorry, Al."
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
National Dyslexic association.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?” Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!” Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test. Principal: “What is 3 x 3?” Harry: “9.” Principal: “What is 6 x 6?” Harry: “36.” And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “Y’know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade.” But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, “Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.” The principal and Harry both agree. Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?” Harry, after a moment: “Legs.” Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief. Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Harry: “Pants.” By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?” Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.” Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?” Harry: “Shake hands.” The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question. Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?” Harry: “Firetruck.” The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, “Put the little bastard in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”