The fact this exists in the UK
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way
I’m entering into the world’s tightest hat competition
I hope I can pull it off.
I think I have bad posture
But it's just a hunch.
Knock knock. Who’s there. Cash.
Cash who? No thanks, but I'll take a peanut! For allergic kids: No thanks, I'm allergic!
TIL: A recent study found that the newest strain of head lice is resistant to conventional treatment.
That left scientists scratching their heads.
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes…
It’s like shooting fish in apparel…
What’s the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving eachother a blowjob
Had an argument with my physiotherapist regarding my posture
But now I stand corrected
Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
3 frogs get arrested
The first frog goes in and the judge asks him, "What's your name?" "Frog," he replies. "What did you do?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, your honor." With that, the judge lets him go. The second frog goes in. "What's your name?" asks the judge. "Frog Frog." "What were you doing?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, sir." With that, the judge lets him go. The third frog comes in. The judge says, "Let me guess, your name is Frog Frog Frog." The frog says, "No, my name's Bubbles."
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you. I have my contacts.
I went to a restaurant and they served me hydrogen atoms cooked at millions of degrees.
They said that it was a fusion cuisine.
I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
A haiku about corona virus
I am so bored I have too much toilet paper I need a ventilator
Bear with me
How do I get rid of it?
A farmer isn’t just good at his job…
He’s out standing in his field. Edit: Wow, my first ever silver! Thanks guys.
I always lie behind my wife’s back and I hate it…
I want to be the little spoon too sometimes.
A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..
The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."
My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole
Fair enough it was her sister's but still…
Wife: “I have blisters on my hands from the broom”.
Husband: "Take the car next time, silly!"
A nun is having a bath when she hears a knock of the door….
She says "who is it?" "It's the blind man" comes the response. Ok, thinks the nun. "Come in then". In walks the man; "nice tits, now where do you want this blind?"
What did they say about the couple who had the same shoe size?
They were sole mates
What does a mechanic do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking…
Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.
Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he?
ICU baby, shakin' that ass!
An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast
for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12-year-old bottle of whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, who exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, who replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''