The fashion must for this year’s Kentucky Derby
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her. I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
A. She is a prude and you have no future together. B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness. C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?
Cause you’re blocking the TV
A person who doesn't believe in dog.
Because freedom rings
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
They can’t get rid of their bills
Must have a hard time sneaking out to the pub without the wife noticing.
when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"
It scares the heck out of their dogs!
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To work on his pecks
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know…., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well … You started it."
Then I was born.
. After a drink or two, they start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors attending an out-of-town medical conference. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight-no strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." Considering that the man looked and acted pleasant enough, the woman doctor agrees to it. The two go to her hotel and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom, undresses, preps, and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and gets into bed. They have foreplay for 20 minutes and *** for 30 minutes or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because after you poked me, I didn't feel a thing."
Well, at least that's been my experience so far.
But you didn't like it.
Man “I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It’s starting to make me sick”. Wife: “what do you think about me?”
Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".
He returned it all denty. Edit: my first gold! Thank you kind stranger.
Because she was thicc
It was a coughee cake.
"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room. Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"
So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow See how she fucking likes it !
I mean he just blew up overnight.
You know, one would have been enough.
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
One came, one saw, and one conquered.
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He’s just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he’s ever come across…
It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets. The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture. His feet feel refreshed! The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, like an alleyway out of Florence in the 1500s, but made out of clay stones. He sees two gentlemen working on fixing a small crack in the street, the only blemish for blocks. One of them is pounding down the clay with a wide-head sledgehammer, thwap thwap! The other is on his knees with a compass and a pick and a broom, adjusting the grade of the street material. He interrupts them to say, "Excuse me gentlemen! I hate to be a bother, but I just want to applaud your hard work on this alleyway. It's rare a city takes such good care with its streets and this one is one of the best." The man with the sledge stops and says, "Well, we appreciate that sir. You know your streets, it seems! Would it surprise you to know that the composition of this street is not adobe? It's mulched with our native nut trees, the cashew nut. That's what gives it its softness. When it rains, the petrichor has a slight sweetness due to the cashew, and the town smells fantastic. I'm just hammering it down before it gets too cold." "Well, I'll be!" cried the archaeologist. "And what's that fellow up to?" pointing to the man on his knees. "Oh him! He's in charge of checking the grade of the clay. If it's too rough, he picks and sweeps it. Backbreaking work. We hire four of them, one for each season. And since autumn just arrived, he's got a few months yet. So you see…" And here the man paused… "So you see…my hammered alley is really 'cashews clay'. And he is the gradist." . . "The gradist…of fall time."
They’re, there, their.
They come with that Elon Musk.