The feels man, the feels…
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree”
The lumberjack smiled, “and you will dialogue”.
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
Why should you never be abducted by a group of mime artists
Because they'll do unspeakable things to you.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U
Cuz you’re blocking the TV
Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement
In the end, I ignore it all and click "I agree".
How do you murder mass?
You killagram
I was walking through a graveyard earlier today when I saw a guy squatted behind a tombstone. I said “morning!”
He replied “no, just taking a shit”
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type for the blood transfusion
As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”but it’s hard without him.
If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
(That’s it. That’s the joke)
I once won a fight that was five against one.
We really kicked the shit out of that guy.
I tried juggling some candy bars but kept dropping them.
I have Butterfingers.
Scientists removed the right half brain of a man…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
What’s the quickest way to prevent a man from drowning?
Shoot him in the face
Vegetarians are like parallel lines…
They never meat.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
URGENT!!!! Anybody knows how to put the ring back on a grenade?!
I need an answer like RIGHT NOW!!!
A frog is born mute
A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to befriend this mute frog and to develop a system of communication with him. Basically the frog blinks once for Yes, twice for No, the tortoise does all the talking and asks all the questions and they get along just fine. Years go by and the frog and the tortoise have fostered a beautiful friendship. But as the frog has gotten older he has become sexually curious and desires to mingle with the other frogs his age. The tortoise senses this one day and asks the frog, ‘do you want me to take you to the pond?’ The frog blinks once for Yes. So the tortoise takes the frog to the pond and starts introducing him to all the other frogs. At first the frog is very nervous but the tortoise does a great job of explaining his disability and all the other frogs are very accepting of his condition. The mute frog ends up making a lot of new friends which boosts his confidence. And then the frog spies across the pond a beautiful girl frog. He can’t take his eyes off of her and the tortoise catches him staring. The tortoise says, ‘You like her, don’t you?’ The frog blinks once. The tortoise says, ‘You want me to go talk to her for you?’ The frog blinks twice for No. ‘I see,’ says the tortoise. ‘You wish you could talk to her yourself.’ The frog blinks once, a single tear rolling down his little frog cheek. ‘Well gee, my friend,’ says the tortoise. ‘We’ve been good friends for so long, I think I owe it to you to find a way to restore your voice.’ And with that the tortoise sets out. The tortoise searches all over the forest for days until one day he meets a snake who just so happened to be the most renowned surgeon of all the land. This snake could perform any surgery that exists. The tortoise explains the situation to the snake and asks him if there’s anything the snake can do for the frog. ‘Yessssss,’ the snake replies. ‘There issss one sssurgery I can perform that may ressstore your friend’sss voice, but you have to undersssstand, it’s very risssky. There’sss a fifty percent chance your friend won’t sssurvive the sssurgery.’ ‘Oh my,’ says the tortoise. ‘I’ll be sure to let him know!’ So the tortoise returns to the frog and tells him the news. ‘There’s this snake who might be able to restore your voice, but it’s a coin toss whether or not you survive the procedure. Do you want to go through with this?’ After a long pause, the frog blinks once for Yes. So a day is set aside for the surgery and on that day all of the creatures of the forest gather around the snake and the frog as the snake prepares his tools and the anesthesia starts to kick in. All the creatures of the forest look on anxiously, knowing that in just a few short moments they’re either going to hear their friend’s voice for the first time, or they’re going to lose him forever. And you’ll never guess what happened next. He croaked!
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word…
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
I used to think i was indecisive, now I’m not sure.
No text found
I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
My wife showed me a meme post on Instagram
I told her I already Reddit.
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
A book fell on my head yesterday
I guess I only have my shelf to blame
Have You Heard The One About The Sheep?
It's baaad…
Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.
I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.
What keeps the ocean from leaking out?
The seals.
Pro tip for the kitchen. If you’re out of onions and you really need one…
Just take your opinion and subtract 3.14.
