The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her…
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
I wish tinder had it too.
There’s no going back now…
Now I want to break three.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time…
After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
They prefer cooked men
No text found
The difference is staggering
"Both , now get in the van ."
Its not hard
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scarred. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
Because you can't see in the dark
But you have to admit, their chairs are rockin'
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?" The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat." The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers." Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?" "Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.
Scene: I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid night. Story: With the heat and humidity I was finding it very hard to sleep, and had taken to watching some Japanese horror flicks on my laptop to kill some time. I had my headphones on since I needed to open all the bedroom windows (thanks to the heat) and I didn't want to disturb my neighbours. At a poignant part of the story in the movie, I could hear over the sound track a slow rhythmic masculine groan. After about a minute of confusion I realised that some of my neighbours were enjoying some casual coital union. The rhythmic groan picked up in frequency and amplitude, and was soon offset with his partners feminine "yes"es. Needless to say, I was no longer watching my horror movie and I was laughing hysterically, yet quietly, at this point into my pillow. Quickly their coital activities got to a point of "fever pitch" where the male neighbour announced, "I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum!" to which the female neighbour demands he "wait, and cum on my face!". Cue a series of climatic groaning and other such sounds of affirmation. Job done, the female announces that she's heading off to have a shower (good call) and goes to the bathroom to do so. All the windows are open it seems, as one can hear all the associated sounds of a shower hard earned. Upon her arrival back into the bedroom the female scolds her counterpart for lighting up and enjoying a cigarette in her absence, stating "Dammit you know that ciggie smoke irritates my sinuses!". Shortly after this statement, she sneezes loudly and impressively. At this point I turn towards my open window and say in a nice loud voice "Bless you!"… ..Silence… …An embarrassed scream. …And a Guinness World Record attempt in the number of windows closed in the shortest period of time possible. I nearly pissed myself laughing.
I'm sorry, that wasnt very knife.
A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".
It's only when I got home I realised I had picked 7 up.
I don’t believe him.
Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.
Finally, one man says to the other, “American.” His roommate replies, “Canadian.” Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.” The roommate can only reply, “Phil.” Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.” His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”
I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."
I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life…
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married…
Mistake. (My 7 yo daughter thought it up at the grocery today. Never been more proud.)
Man who run in front of car get tired.
all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions.” The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, “And what are the four conditions?” The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, “First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having sex with. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having sex with. And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out who she is having sex with, she can tell no one.” After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?” The Pope replied, “Big tits.”
Passengers: start freaking out Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when! Passengers: sigh with relief Pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit this mountain!!
Just in case a black person is breaking in. I wouldn’t want to offend them.
Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy Cop: there's a man in your trunk Me: yea a 𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙝 man
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, “My hands are freezing cold!” The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.”
The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!"
In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American. ‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked. ‘We are here as a part of a research expedition that will very soon travel to explore the Moon!’ ‘The Moon?! Hmm… could you then do me a favor?’ ‘What do you want?’ ‘Well, the people of my tribe believe that holy spirits live on the Moon. I was wondering if you could pass an important message to them from my people.’ ‘What’s the message?’ The man uttered something in his tribal language, and then asked the astronauts to repeat it again and again until they had memorized it correctly. ‘What does it mean?’ asked the astronauts. ‘Oh, I cannot tell you. It’s a secret that only our tribe and the moon spirits are allowed to know.’ The astronauts were intrigued with the secret message, so when they returned to their base they searched and searched until they finally found one Native American who could speak old man's tribal language and translate the message. When they repeated the message they had memorized, the translator started to laugh his ass off. ‘Why are you laughing man, what does the message say?’ 'It says – Don’t believe a single word these people are telling you. They have come to steal your lands.’