The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte.
And then everything crashed.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers. Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Code before and after you hit RUN.
Lose yourself in a fantasy
LOTR meme for organic chemistry fiends
Literally all of us in this subreddit
Why don’t Jews eat pussy?
It's too close to the gas chamber. Edit: Jesus Christ, look at that, I got silver! Not 30 pieces, but anyway.
Ain’t that the damn true.
This was actually good
“Congratulations to drugs, who for another year in a row, has won the war on drugs”
All that wasted time
If God had low self esteem, would that make him an atheist?
Because he doesn’t believe in himself
F*ck you I won’t clean what you tell me !
I serve the atomic nucleus
Theres something about juxtaposition…
A woman get cheated by on by her husband.
Devastated, she doesn’t know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there’s a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decide to go there to consult him. After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reach the top and meet the wise monk. “I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young women. My life is stolen, and I’m left with nothing. I don’t know what to do”. The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: “Is the cookie delicious?” “Yes”- she answer. “Do you want another one?” “Sure, please”. The monk looked her in the eyes and said “Do you see the problem now?” The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks, “I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It’s never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that”. The monk shake his head “No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less.
kids today are too soft
BREAKING: Trump signs an Executive Order renaming the San Andreas Fault
to Barack Obama’s Fault
blunt but true
Time to play golf.
So so so sleepy
Just be careful you don’t clog a hose
seen at a safe driving even my school hosted (they gave extra if kids came)
It doesn’t matter if you’re straight, gay…
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 60." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light." Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!" Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt." Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt." Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!" Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."
Courtesy of my 11 yr old: why don’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will just let it go.
Don’t forget about how it’s ok to run over protesters…
If Donald Trump were a used car salesman
From my 6yr old: Whats a guitar’s favorite cheese?
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it.
What would you call a sword made of ice?
I find this funny:), but also sad:(
It really do be like that…
I can’t not fix it
The John Lennon Airport has been quarantined
Imagine all the people
Why are IRS employees always tired when they get home?
Their jobs are taxing.
WordPress better way
Forward from my aunt
Another Phone Bad haha. This artist is a gold mine.
My daughter said she literally can’t even…
… so that’s odd.
In 2020 we’re going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision
I can see it clearly.
We just don’t “understand”
Why was the broom late to work?
My son: Dad, what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once. Son: Was that really hard? Me: It is now. (This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
“Programming isn’t that hard just tell it not to hit stuff”
Remember when plastic surgery was taboo?
Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.
Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you’re writing me a speeding ticket?
Officer: It was a moving violation
Some people like floors
but I’m more of a ceiling fan
Why can’t I log into anything?
Shared by my math teacher from 8th grade
Impeach this monster!
We’ve all been there, we’ve all done it
Marketing department of Sun
My turn to post as in promised
Hey, I’m not saying Hitler was a great guy.
But he really saved the History channel.
Yikes, wrong year
My partner and I can never agree on vacations.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
From a family friend
Accidentally gave my girlfriend a gluestick instead of chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me.
Who would win?
Candidate selection matters
God damn it!
There is another
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.
Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".
What do Asian cannibals eat?
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven….
1st Woman: Hi, Wanda! 2nd Woman: Hi Sylvia! How’d you die? 1st Woman: I froze to death! 2nd Woman: How horrible! 1st Woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I can home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching tv. 1st Woman: So, what happened? 2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st Woman: Too bad you didn’t check in the freezer…..we’d both still be alive! My father everyone! 😁
Gotta stay safe.