The first Karen to get sick was..
Impatient Zero
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A head banger
In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, “That’s not it” and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
I was walking through a graveyard earlier today when I saw a guy squatted behind a tombstone. I said “morning!”
He replied “no, just taking a shit”
How do you make holy water?
Boil the heck out of it.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Did you know you cannot breath through the nose while you’re smiling?
Haha, I made you smile.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
I guess you could say it was bread in captivity
A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible…
The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he could go and make his next copy using the original in the vault as reference material. Since they've just been making copies of a copy for centuries and given his dedication to the process and his work so far the abbot agrees and brother Gray descends into the vault where he is given access to the only existing and oldest copy of the bible they have. Days pass, none of the other monks are particularly concerned as brother Gray was known to be a perfectionist and was recognized among them as one of the best in his craft. After another week though they become anxious as nobody had really seen him since his descent into the vault, as such the abbot takes it upon himself to check up on him. As he nears the vault he hears a gutteral sobbing, relentless and distraught. The abbot pushes open the door to the vault to find brother Gray lying face down in a heap on the floor, pages of the bible scattered all around. He rushes to his side. "Brother, whatever is the matter? We've been so worried about you. What's wrong?". Brother Gray pushes himself upright, wipes away the tears from his eyes and grabs the abbot by the collar. "The word was 'Celebrate'"
Yesterday I watched a match of women’s volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.
But by tomorrow I should be fine again.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
I don’t trust stairs
They are always up to something.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks
After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynyrd Skynyrd and my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country you fucking towelhead"
I saw a midget get pickpocketed today.
I still can't believe someone could stoop so low.
Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a good time.
My wife offered me a blowjob today.
‘Really’ I said ‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’ That’ll teach her to be funny
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent
Gorilla removal service.
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
A bear walks in to a bar
"I'd like a whisky and……………coke" Bartender "why the big pause?" Bear "i don't know, i was born with'em"
A husband died
A husband died. A few years later, his wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!" The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
Just found out that cockfighting is done with roosters.
That's 27 years of rigorous training, straight down the fucking drain.
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.
Those damn moose limbs.
I hate negative numbers.
I will stop at nothing to avoid them
There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.
One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job. One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died. "Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
Student: Can I borrow a pencil?
Teacher: I don't know, can you borrow a pencil? Student: Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking you whether I can borrow a pencil. Teacher: Possibly so, in colloquial speech. Discerning context can help us decipher the nuance of each sentence on a case-by-case basis. However, as your teacher, my task is to teach you the intricacies and nuances of the English language with rigor, so that you may have a greater mastery of the language in order to effectively and precisely control what you want to communicate. In this case, the difference between the words "can" and "may". Student: Point taken. May I borrow a pencil? Teacher: No, you may not. The state cut funding for education again.
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
My inflatable dock burst after my friends kept telling me to fill it with more air.
Too much pier pressure.
Never smoking weed with Mexicans again
I asked who has papers and they all took off running
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
And then it clicked.
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks
Babies Drinking beer. So funny!!! If your baby didn’t drink beer then YOU’RE A SISSY
https://ift.tt/3cqErSG
A fish pooped on my shoes today
That Bass-turd