The first Noel
I farted in my wallet..
Now I have gas money.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
Apparently my friends started a hula hooping club but never told me about it.
They kept me out of the loop.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Why can’t a newborn be fooled?
Because he wasn't born yesterday
I drive around and sell pies. Key Lime for $6 and Pecan pie for $8.
Those are the pie rates of the car I be in. (I married two old jokes together, I hope that’s ok)
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man asks, “And how would you do that?” The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?” The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. How am I supposed to work in the dark?”
If you’re ever feeling lonely, just remember…
Every day is a date.
People mostly get shocked when the find out that….
I'm a bad electrician.
My American friend, Alfred, asked, “What is your favourite shampoo truck?”
I said ,"Lorry, Al."
My wife left me because I’m too insecure and paranoid
Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.
Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here
Him: Knock, knock Me: Who's there? Him: Idiot Me: Idiot who? Him: IDIOT YOU!! He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet loved his joke! EDIT: Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger
About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil…
Don't even get me started on baby oil
You can’t run through a campsite
You can only ran, 'cause it's past tents.
Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut
What do you call a 25 cent hooker?
A quarter pounder.
Timmy was being raised by his single mother
When one day she sat him down and explains to him that she’s given this a lot of thought and takes it very seriously but she identifies as a man and intends to start living as such. Timmy understands. It was a long transitioning process of altering his appearance, changing his name, undergoing hormone therapy, and finally having the surgery. Timmy was very supportive during the whole process. Even when he was teased by some kids at school. But eventually the process was complete and they decided to have a nice dinner to celebrate. But dinner was ruined. Timmy’s dad just kept making terrible pun after terrible pun. That’s when it hit Timmy like a ton of bricks. He asks “Did….did you go through all this and even get a sex change just so you could make Dad jokes?!” Timmy’s dad replies “Ahh shit, you see right through me. I guess I’m just….transparent”
Did you know a school of piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds
Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium
My wife just yelled at me, “You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said”
I thought that was a pretty odd way to start a conversation
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks. After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day
It's still syncing
My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.
Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.
My dog really is diggin the new dune movie… Maybe a little too much!!!
My dog really is diggin the new dune movie… Maybe a little too much!!!
A guy visits his favorite dominatrix
He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.” She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom. Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts. She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free. “Don’t worry, I can fix this” he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work. In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed. He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams. “Good as new, mistress!” She says “This sub really loves reposts.”
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It’s OK though…
I know where to draw the line..
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
I just yelled, “F, YOU GUYS!” at my students.
I love being a music teacher.
I, for one…
…well, that's how I was taught Roman numerals in school.
Professor X to JK Rowling:
Professor X: "What's your power?" JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters." Gay Professor X: "Interesting."
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
