The first time I got a universal remote control
I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his pen!s over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
I said its Narnia buisness
So I did. She’s 21 and her name is Amber
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
Therapist: Why ? Patient: Yes!
I haven’t heard from him since.
Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day
I'm really not a mourning person.
So I guess I'm opening up a soup kitchen.
But I can't see myself wearing it
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"
All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
…does that mean there's a wifetime guarantee?
I asked my 18 siblings and they don’t know either.
With great powder comes great responsability
I said “Cause, they came out the closet”
It was bang on target.
God said yes. The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?" God said yes. The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?" God said, "Sure, just a second."
It's not like it's the end of the world
Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised. Usually Australians boo meringue.
I said, "Take your phone off silent." That's when the fight started.
It was two tired
. Edit: thank you kind stranger for the Silver!
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
…that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing. "Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand" A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?" The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh… "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."
A man takes his seat at the NBA final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the NBA final?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last four NBA finals together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
A humble bee
A can't opener
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux!
You're not alone.
B – Bad R – At O – Acronyms K – E –
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.