The first time I got a universal remote control
I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"
Two Aliens
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his pen!s over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe
I said its Narnia buisness
My wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers
So I did. She’s 21 and her name is Amber
Children bad for trying to help save enviroment. Wife good for doing nothing.
https://ift.tt/2qu7GS4
I watched a movie about graphs last night, but I was slightly disappointed.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
Patient: I’m afraid of the vertical Axis.
Therapist: Why ? Patient: Yes!
Last year, my friend told me he’s quitting his job to pursue a miming career.
I haven’t heard from him since.
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day
I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10 am
I'm really not a mourning person.
My face! When he says “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.”!
https://ift.tt/3eOSfbR
I ordered some wonton soup at a Chinese restaurant, but it seems they misunderstood my order.
So I guess I'm opening up a soup kitchen.
I just bought a new blindfold
But I can't see myself wearing it
How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me “Do you need help?”
I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"
In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.
All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
If getting married is supposed to be forever…
…does that mean there's a wifetime guarantee?
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.
I asked my 18 siblings and they don’t know either.
Here you have some cocaine, but remember
With great powder comes great responsability
A man asked me why my clothes were gay
I said “Cause, they came out the closet”
I threw a firecracker towards a dart board.
It was bang on target.
A guy said to God, “Is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?”
God said yes. The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?" God said yes. The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?" God said, "Sure, just a second."
So what if I don’t know what “apocalypse” means.
It's not like it's the end of the world
Archaeologists digging on a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.
Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised. Usually Australians boo meringue.
My girlfriend said, “I want a ring.”
I said, "Take your phone off silent." That's when the fight started.
Why couldn‘t the bike stand up by itself?
It was two tired
What’s the heights of over confidence
. Edit: thank you kind stranger for the Silver!
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl…
…that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing. "Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand" A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?" The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh… "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."
A man takes his seat at the NBA final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the NBA final?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last four NBA finals together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble bee
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can't opener
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux!
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
You could say I’m B.R.O.K.E.
B – Bad R – At O – Acronyms K – E –
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.
I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.