The first time I got a universal remote control

If found guilty he'll be given a real tough sentence

So a‌‌ v‌‌olunteer p‌‌aid t‌‌he l‌‌awyer a‌‌ v‌‌isit i‌‌n h‌‌is l‌‌avish o‌‌ffice. T‌‌he v‌‌olunteer o‌‌pened t‌‌he m‌‌eeting b‌‌y s‌‌aying, "‌‌Our r‌‌esearch s‌‌hows t‌‌hat e‌‌ven t‌‌hough y‌‌our a‌‌nnual i‌‌ncome i‌‌s o‌‌ver t‌‌wo m‌‌illion d‌‌ollars, y‌‌ou d‌‌on't g‌‌ive a‌‌ p‌‌enny t‌‌o c‌‌harity. W‌‌ouldn't y‌‌ou l‌‌ike t‌‌o g‌‌ive s‌‌omething b‌‌ack t‌‌o y‌‌our c‌‌ommunity?" The l‌‌awyer t‌‌hinks f‌‌or a‌‌ m‌‌inute a‌‌nd s‌‌ays, "‌‌First, d‌‌id y‌‌our r‌‌esearch a‌‌lso s‌‌how y‌‌ou t‌‌hat m‌‌y m‌‌other i‌‌s d‌‌ying a‌‌fter a‌‌ l‌‌ong p‌‌ainful i‌‌llness, a‌‌nd s‌‌he h‌‌as h‌‌uge m‌‌edical b‌‌ills t‌‌hat a‌‌re f‌‌ar b‌‌eyond h‌‌er a‌‌bility t‌‌o p‌‌ay?" Embarrassed, t‌‌he r‌‌ep m‌‌umbles, "‌‌Uh… N‌‌o, I‌‌ d‌‌idn't k‌‌now t‌‌hat." "Secondly," s‌‌ays t‌‌he l‌‌awyer, "‌‌did i‌‌t s‌‌how t‌‌hat m‌‌y b‌‌rother, a‌‌ d‌‌isabled V‌‌eteran, i‌‌s b‌‌lind a‌‌nd c‌‌onfined t‌‌o a‌‌ w‌‌heelchair a‌‌nd i‌‌s u‌‌nable t‌‌o s‌‌upport h‌‌is w‌‌ife a‌‌nd s‌‌ix c‌‌hildren?" The s‌‌tricken r‌‌ep b‌‌egins t‌‌o s‌‌tammer a‌‌n a‌‌pology, b‌‌ut i‌‌s c‌‌ut o‌‌ff a‌‌gain. "Thirdly, d‌‌id y‌‌our r‌‌esearch a‌‌lso s‌‌how y‌‌ou t‌‌hat m‌‌y s‌‌ister's h‌‌usband d‌‌ied i‌‌n a‌‌ d‌‌readful c‌‌ar a‌‌ccident, l‌‌eaving h‌‌er p‌‌enniless w‌‌ith a‌‌ m‌‌ortgage a‌‌nd t‌‌hree c‌‌hildren, o‌‌ne o‌‌f w‌‌hom i‌‌s d‌‌isabled a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌hat h‌‌as l‌‌earning d‌‌isabilities r‌‌equiring a‌‌n a‌‌rray o‌‌f p‌‌rivate t‌‌utors?" The h‌‌umiliated r‌‌ep, c‌‌ompletely b‌‌eaten, s‌‌ays, "‌‌I'm s‌‌o s‌‌orry. I‌‌ h‌‌ad n‌‌o i‌‌dea." And t‌‌he l‌‌awyer s‌‌ays, "‌‌So, i‌‌f I‌‌ d‌‌idn't g‌‌ive a‌‌ny m‌‌oney t‌‌o t‌‌hem, w‌‌hat m‌‌akes y‌‌ou t‌‌hink I‌‌'d g‌‌ive a‌‌ny t‌‌o y‌‌ou?"

Me: i stopped giving a shift.

The tree’s bark.

He and his twin sister, Ling, had recently moved here from China and so they had very traditional names. One day, Ving mentioned to me how much he hated his name. “What kind of name is Ving? It’s so stupid,” he said, frustrated. “You know, you can get your name changed at city hall.” “Really? It’s that easy?” “Yeah you just have to fill out some paperwork.” I paused. “I can drive you if you want.” “Thanks dude. What would I even change my name to though?” “How about something common that holds on to your roots? Something like Lee.” “Lee. I like it.” Unfortunately, Ling had overheard our talk and launched into a tirade about how his name had been in the family for generations and he couldn’t just throw away his heritage like that. Ving was set though. The next day, we drove to city hall. Ling insisted on coming along, hoping to convince Ving to change his mind. She complained the entire way. Ving wasn’t deterred though. We finally got to city hall and got the paperwork. As he was filling it out, Ving’s face changed. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “You’ve been excited all day and yesterday for this.” “I know, I know. It’s just— it’s my dad’s name too. I don’t know.” Ving sighed. “I don’t think I can go through with it.” Ling looked relieved. The receptionist noted that there was a small cancellation fee. Ling happily took out some money. Suddenly, an Asian man in Ray-Bans, neon shorts, and an American flag T-shirt bursted through the doors. “Dad!” Ving, tears streaming down his face, ran to embrace his father. Ving Sr. smiled at his son. “Don’t stop. Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee Ling.”

I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new boat", I thought to myself.

Go to the corner. It’s 90degrees

But it is graphs where I draw the line.

…is only one sea away from Ireland?

None they beat the room for being black.

My three year old is getting into telling jokes . I just made this one up for her: Why was Fibonacci afraid of 1 1 2 3 5? Because 1 1 2 3 5 8 13!

They lured me in the door and then knocked me down.

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you? Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you? Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years. Boss: Yes. Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first. Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time. Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade. Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound? Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir! Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you? Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

Fine wine doesn’t try and escape from my cellar.

Tastebuds

They LIED. Everybody else had clothes on!

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

We all make fun of them, but when we’re inside one at 4am we’re glad they’re around.

For Hispanic Attack!

But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?

A partial artist!

I told him, 'My door is always open!'

I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

Mediogre

Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species. Myneckisaur. This is my first dad joke post 🙂

Why must it be a group activity?

I don’t have 2020 vision for gods sakes quit asking me

They're getting married in the spring.

… for breakfast.

It causes the microphones to rust

Just heard the best Dad joke in real time at the Jiffy Lube and I bet this guy has been waiting his whole life for this moment. Clerk: "Sir, are you here for an oil change?" Guy (probably in his 70s): "No, but the car is." Clerk: (puts head on desk and starts laughing)

You have my word.

She wouldn’t get her nose out of my business. I was nuts over her though

My dad…what was his other eye called?

…in grease