The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"
The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"
I’ve started saying “mucho” to all of my Mexican friends.
It means a lot to them.
I have peaked Dad Jokeness
[Just some context] Like my father, I sneeze loudly. I sneeze so loudly in fact, while walking my dog this morning, my wife heard me sneeze from 200m away, in our apartment. When I got home my wife greeted me, "Hello, Sneezer." I replied, devastated, "Et tu Brute?"
A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England.
She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
What has two butts and kills people?
an assassin
I just can’t stand those Russian nesting dolls.
They are so full of themselves.
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover his butt quack
I just called the tinnitus hotline…
It wouldn't stop ringing!
What happens when an egg laughs?
It cracks up!
My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.
I think she’s in love with me.
One of my dads favorite jokes….
A young man from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in San Antonio." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down to see how things went. "How many sales did you make today?" The young man replied without hesitating, "One." "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?" "$101,237.64" "What the hell did you sell?!?" "First I sold him a bag of #8 fish hooks, then I sold him a bag of #1 fish hooks, then I sold him a set of lures. I then sold him a new fishing rod. After I asked where he was going fishing and he told me he was going to the coast, I told him he would be best off with a boat, so I brought him over to the sea craft department and sold him that 24' twin engine Yamaha. He was doubtful that his Silverado could manage it, so I took him down to automotive and got set him up with the 4×4 F350." "A guy came in here to buy some fish hooks and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No sir, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!"
My dad was a WWII veteran.
During the Battle of Britain, in just one day, he destroyed 8 German aircrafts killing 32 Nazis. Literally the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
Just got back from the Transformers convention
and boy are my arms tires.
A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, “Watch this, brah!” hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.
"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot. "Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot. The plane just goes straight for a while. "How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot. The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?" The cargo pilot replies, "I went to the galley and got myself some more coffee."
Smoking will kill you…Bacon will kill you…
But, smoking bacon will cure it.
Innovative Solutions
In order to streamline my work from home process, I’ve hired my cat as a part-time advisor.User: My laptop won’t connect to the VPN.Me: Consults my advisorMe: Have you tried pushing it off of the table and onto the floor?
I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B
Why are gays bad at poker?
They can't keep a straight face
Some people like floors
but I’m more of a ceiling fan
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a new revolving chair. But then she sat on it.
Eventually she came around.
My girlfriend said to me last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance…
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
Ran into Rick Astley. He gave me his entire Pixar collection, except one of them.
He started dancing and said, "Never gonna give you 'Up'."
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law
Dyslexics untie!
No text found
A lumberjack goes into a forest to chop down a tree…
…but he didn't know it was a magic forest. As he began to chop down a tree, the tree said "Wait I am a talking tree". The lumberjack said "And you will dialogue".
Why did it take Russia so long to invade Germany?
They were Stalin.
I hate guys who are too overconfident..
I really do. Edit: Thanks for the silver! Edit: Thanks for the gold! Edit: Thanks for the platinum! Edit: Thanks for 4k up votes!
Why nice guys finish last & Why Abundance Is So important in business, in life and in RELATIONSHIPS!
So just wanted to break down “Why Nice Guys Finish Last” to you guys. The “Nice guy” is AGREEABLE to everything. When you are agreeable to everything you are giving all your power away. You are less likely to lead, you are less likely to be ASSERTIVE and you are less lIKELY to be DOMINANT. The nice Guys Lacks Confidence and power. The number one trait women are attracted too is confidence. In the animal kingdom only the strong survives and gets the mate. Women need a men who provides and protects her and a nice guy just comes off as weak. https://youtu.be/eofqXOi1Fdw
When geese make a V in the sky, why is one side always longer than the other?
There are more geese on that side
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints.
Why did the man fall in the well?
He couldn’t see that well
What do you call a Communist sniper?
A Marx-man
Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.
Oops sorry. Wrong bus.
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.