The four stages of Santa Clause in a man’s life…
1 "you believe in Santa Claus"
2 "you dont believe in Santa Claus"
3 "you ARE Santa Claus"
4 "you LOOK like Santa Claus"
My wife told me to stop obsessing over a certain footballer.
So I said, "I'm not at your Beckham call."
There’s a new horror film out about a man that possessed people by sneezing.
It's based on achoo story.
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs?
He was lacktoes intolerant.
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day.
Now they just call me Dav.
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today!!!
That’s seven years in a row now!!
A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
When I was younger I threw a boomerang and it went super far and out of sight. I always wondered where it went
and then it hit me (i posted this in r/dadjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
My book on clocks just arrived.
It’s about time.
What do diarrhea and eye colour have in common?
It runs in your genes.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said, “That’s …. a big step.”
Whats the hardest thing about having sex with a blind woman?
Getting her husband's voice juuust right
I was visiting my cousin and he just blew through a red light …
I yelled, "Are you crazy?!" He waved me off, saying, "It's OK, my brother does it all the time." The next light was red too, and he just sailed on through again. "You're gonna get us killed," I shouted. And he again replied, "It's OK, my brother does it all the time." The next light was green, so I was feeling better, but my cousin slammed on the brakes. I asked, "Now what?" He said, "Gotta be careful, my brother might be coming the other way."
What rock group has four guys that don’t sing?
Mt. Rushmore.
While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: “Yes.”
Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine replied, "Yes, sir!"
On the news: “nearly 29,000 women have their breast implants removed every year”
Me, to my wife: “that’s stupid. I would think most women only need to have them removed once!”
Dad, why is that book so thick?
"It's a long story"
Why do the French have small breakfasts ?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
What’s the difference between an Indian and African Elephant?
One’s an elephant.
Where does a horse go when it gets sick?
The horse-pital Just kidding it gets shot
A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
How to tell the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats…
A mathematician wakes from a nightmare in which he encountered a creature with only one eye.
“Thank goodness,” he says. “It was imaginary.”
you don’t grate cheese here… you shReddit
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An Englishman, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"
One day I would love to have sex in Space.
Or on Earth.
