The full tank
We went to a wedding and my drunk wife asked me what I thought of her dancing.
I said, “You are just staggering.”
It’s okay if you have no idea what “prefix” means.
It’s not the end of the word.
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it’d be a chicken sedan.
Frustrated by a world of moral decay, a man decided that he wanted a pure, innocent woman for his wife.
So he went to church in the hope of finding someone who had not been corrupted by modern society. After two weeks, he met a charming girl and took her back to his place for the ultimate test. Whipping out his manhood, he asked her: ‘What’s this?’ ‘A cock,’ she replied. Disappointed by her vulgar response, he decided she was not the girl for him. Two weeks later he met another fine upstanding church girl and resolved to put her to the same test. So when he took her home, he whipped out his manhood and asked her: ‘What’s this?’ ‘A cock,’ she answered. Deeply dejected, he concluded that she, too, failed to meet his requirements. Two weeks later, he met another sweet girl and invited her home. He whipped out his manhood and asked her: ‘What’s this?’ She giggled and said: ‘A pee-pee.’ That was exactly the sort of innocent answer he was looking for, and the pair began dating. Soon they married and settled down to enjoy their life together. But whenever she saw him naked, she giggled and said: ‘That’s your pee-pee.’ Whilst he found it endearing at first, it eventually began to grate a little, so he thought he ought to correct her. ‘Look,’ he explained, ‘this is not a pee-pee, it’s a cock.’ She laughed and said: ‘No, it’s not. A cock is ten inches long and black.’
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
What did the drummer name his children?
Anna 1, Anna 2
Why does Dwayne Johnson sleep under a pile of magazines?
Because paper covers rock!
“Son, you’re adopted”.
Son: "Wow really? I'd never have guessed!". Dad: "Im glad you're taking this so well". Son: "Well I did have my suspicions". Dad: "yes yes, anyway go pack your bags, your new parents will be here in 10 minutes".
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.
Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
Underage drinking is a massive problem in my house.
My son's been drinking whisky that's only aged for two years. He's the dumbest thirteen-year-old I've ever met.
A couple of thugs on a bike, drove past a pedestrian and snatched his bluetooth headphone straight off his ear…
They came back to return it 2 minutes later, when they realised they had stolen his hearing aid.
To the person who stole my antidepressants:
I hope you’re happy now.
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch!
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
I just finished a documentary about frogs
It was absolutely ribbiting
Damn girl are you a reddit user?
Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!
There are 3 genders
Male Female IMAGINATION
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.
He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William." Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad." "Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."
I am writing a drama on puns.
It's going to be a play on words.
I asked my math teacher why 6 was afraid of 7.
She replied, “Approximately 0.3583679495453”. I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”
I’m really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.
Now every little ting is gonna be all right!
What kind of tie does a cloud wear?
A Rain Bow tie.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says…
5 beers please
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"
It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, it’s how many times you get back up!
"That's not how field sobriety tests work." replied the police officer
It’s possibly not safe to drive my car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
Breaking News: Vandals broke into the Origami Museum last night
Will keep you posted as the story unfolds.
Pinocchio, Snow white, and Superman
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine. As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world." "I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya go?" "I won First Place!," said Snow White. They continue walking and they see another sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world." "I'm entering" says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?" "I won first place too." answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?" They continue walking when they see a third sign: "Contest – Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked. "Who the hell is Donald Trump ?" asked Pinocchio.
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with your point of view..
But I can see where you are coming from.
