The funniest thing about all this is it’s TRUE LMFAO
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
A man with a 25 inch penis could not get any girl to sleep with him because his penis was too large…
so he decided to go to the most famous doctor in the world to get some help. The man asked “Doctor, is there anything you can give me to make my penis smaller?” The doctor said “No, but I think a surgeon might be able to help you with your problem.” So the man decided to go to the most famous surgeon in the world to get some help. The man asked “Surgeon, is there any surgery you can do to make my penis smaller?” The surgeon said “No, but I think a shaman might be able to help you with your problem.” So the man decided to go to the most famous shaman in the world to get some help. The man asked “Shaman, is there any spell you can cast to make my penis smaller?” The shaman said “I can help you with your problem. All you have to do is ask the most beautiful woman in the world to sleep with you. The man was discouraged after getting so close to his goal, but he decided he had nothing to lose so he went out to find that woman. The man asked the woman “Will you sleep with me?” The woman said “Ew, no.” The man was about to give up when he realized that his penis shrunk by 5 inches. Curious, he asked the woman again. “Will you sleep with me?” The woman said “Didn’t you just hear me? I said no.” The man’s penis shrunk again by 5 inches. He realized that if he could get the woman to say no one more time, he’d have a 10 inch penis, which was the perfect size. Excited, he asked the woman one final time. “Will you sleep with me?” The woman, enraged, said “Are you deaf? How many times to I have to tell you so that you understand me? NO, NO, NO!”
I’m gonna put my glasses on
Two thousand years ago, respawn wait times were three days
They didn’t see that well.
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'What in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So, please, go away and leave me alone.” The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: “Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So, please, go away and leave me alone.” A few days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, “What the f… are you doing?” The husband replied, 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.”
Me: You just did You: I'm not going to do that Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards
The bartender replies "For you? No charge."
Cause you just keep repeating the same shit
They aren’t going to make them any longer.
In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler. He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks?” St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.” “Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?” “That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.” “Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?” St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.” “Where’s President Trump clock?” asked the man. “Trump's clock is in Jesus’ office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.”
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues…"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… "I would have gotten out today!"
It was a high steaks mission.
The old one just wasn't cutting it anymore.
So I just got my wife with this one… She asked to go to Victoria’s Secret to buy some new underwear… She complained that her favorite pairs had holes in them…
I said "of course they have holes in them, how else are you supposed to get your legs through?" I could feel the eye roll from across the room
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
No text found
Your under a vest
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
I believe that it is time for all the world’s countries to come together and create one universal currency
I mean it's just common cents
I've been having a hard time recalling it sofa.
My family and I walked into the lobby and as we were checking in, I whispered to the desk clerk, “I hope the porn is disabled.”
The guy looked at me in shock and sputtered, "It's just regular porn, you sick perv!"
…we'd never hear the end of it.
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
A guy walks into the bar and finds two lesbians kissing in the corner. Out of curiosity, he straightway goes to them and asks, “What is the thing you don’t like about dicks?”
"They ask stupid questions", one of them replied.
She said, “You can’t do this to me!” I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”
But when I do, he laughs.
He is my cousin, twice [removed]
Transcend dental medication.
Now made with 98% recycled content.
There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day they are having sex and she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says"oh no! What should we do?!" she says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the livingroom!" Once they're in the livingroom she starts sprinkling baby powder all over him. He says "what are you doing?" She says "I'm making you white like a statue,just stand in and pose,my husband will never know you're real, he's stupid!" Her husband comes in and sees them and says to her "whats that?" She says "Well, me and Mrs. Johnson next door went shopping today. She has one just like it. I liked hers so much she took me to get one." He shrugs it off and goes about his business. That night the boyfriend is still standing in the livingroom in that pose too afraid to escape. He hears the husband wake up and open the bedroom door. The husband walks past him, opens the fridge, pops open a beer and makes a bologna sandwich. He then walks up to the boyfriend and hands him the beer and sandwich and says "Here, I was next door at Mrs.Johnson's house stuck in that position for 2 days and no one gave me anything to eat."