the funniest thing ever
What’s the main use of leather in the world?
Holding cows together
What do you call a T-Rex that can fly
A Dino-soar
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides, but Newton just draws a square and sit down. Einstein opens his eyes and exclaims, “Newton, I’ve found you!”
Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"
What do you call 8 hobbits?
One hobbyte!
“Also the whole company depends on this project working smoothly, so no pressure!”
https://ift.tt/36Y4ApK
A guy asked a girl in a university library…
…"Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!” All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."
If you are ever confronted by a group of clowns at night…
…always go for the juggler…
Very few people know about the first ever female vegan
Nobody has heard of herbivore
When I die I want all the people I’ve ever worked with on group projects to lower me in the ground,
So they can let me down one last time.
Why can’t you hear Pterodactyls go to the bathroom?
Because their P is silent
I sell balloons for $1 each, or if you want them blown up it’s $1.20.
I’ve adjusted the price to allow for inflation.
Tripped over a dead body. Drew a chalk circle around it.
Did my part for contact tracing.
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong socks this morning
A monkey is smoking a joint
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me" So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard "What's the matter with you!?" The lizard explains that he was up in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" The monkey looks down and says "OMG! DUUUUDE …. HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag.
The girl replied, “Thanks for the Baghdad”
I’m not very good at making memes but this opportunity couldn’t be passed up. Ugh
https://ift.tt/31nixtU
For Sale: Slightly Used Chewing Gum
Near Mint Condition!!!
Ever wonder what to say to your sister when she’s crying?
“Are you having a crisis?”
I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep
Not screaming like the people in the back of his car.
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "Which part did you get?" Edit: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
Rolled my first joint last night.
God my ankle hurts this morning.
What’s it called when Spider-Man has to stop a car?
Peter Parking.
I just found an origami porn site…
… but it’s paper view only.
While applying for Australian citizenship the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I replied, " No, is that still required?"
Otherwise
Otherwise
In Cuba, a steak pie will cost you 1.50. But a pork pie will cost 1.80, whereas a macaroni pie will cost 2.30 and a chicken pie will cost 2.75.
These are pie-rates of the Caribbean.
What did the baby corn say to the momma corn?
Where's pop corn?
I think I banged a Chinese celebrity.
She kept screaming “I’m Wei Tu Yung”. Like I was supposed to know the name.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.
Our leaders vs local newscasters showing the importance of social distancing.
https://ift.tt/3djWjzY
The urge to sing the lion sleeps to night is just
A whim away a whim away a whim away
I have sex daily
I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia
My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.
He prescribed two IKEA self assembly wardrobes.
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building…
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"