the FUNNIEST
They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.
No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD
A trip without the kids.
I started a new job. My boss said “Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky”. I said “My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick”
She said: how do you get dick from kyle? I replied: you just ask nicely. Edit: im now looking for a new job :/
How did the pharaoh get so rich?
He was running a huge pyramid scheme…
My co-workers were talking about getting their beach bods ready
I popped over the cube, oreo in hand "I'm working on my beach ball bod"
Did you know they aren’t making metre sticks any longer?
No text found
Whatβs yellow and canβt swim?
A bus full of children
Iβve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because Iβm too scrawny…
I just gave my too weak notice!
“I’m a socialist drinker.” “Don’t you mean social drinker?”
"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."
Why canβt Kylie Jenner ever see her dad?
Heβs transparent
Cop: Iβm arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Man: Wait. I can explain everything!
This is a mean joke.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
People say that dad jokes aren’t very clever.
But then I look back on the post that I have saved from a year ago that says otherwise.
What did Delaware?
A new Jersey!
Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.
For example: Ben is in a hurry. Vs Ben is in a comma
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you…
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.
Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe." Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."
Iβm pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
Why do mountains never get cold?
Because they have snow-caps!
Says one spice to another
"Seasoned Greetings"
I’ve just started up a dating site for chickens.
Its not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make Hens meet.
A man asked me why my clothes were gay
I said βCause, they came out the closetβ
Iβve just found a cure for anorexia.
It was a piece of cake π°!!! π
Two blind pilots enter a plane.
They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence. The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke. In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die."
I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep
Not screaming like the people in the back of his car.
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, “You know, people living in Denver can’t be buried there” and I look at him and ask him “Why?”
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
My priest is a lawyer.
He's my father in law
Apple really is the most futuristic company out there
They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!
Woman walks into a gun store.
"It's for my husband" she tells the owner. "Did he tell you what caliber to get"?, the owner asked. "Are you kidding, he doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him"