The future isn’t looking good guys!
Walls of youth
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father took an outing to a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father responded, 'Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son….. 'Go get your Mother'
My boss is like school in summertime..
No class.
My Hispanic buddy likes Little Caesars.
He uses them to trim his mustache.
This is one from one of my preschoolers: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crumby.
What did one deer say to the other when leaving the gay bar?
"I must have blown twenty bucks in there."
Little Johnny
One day in a school room: The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see The Grand Canyon and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher, being a little hesitant on account of she had been burned by Little Johnny before, finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried.
Nametag?
Nametag?
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?
Micro trans-action
Why do younever buy a pair of shoes from a drug dealer?
Because you don't know what he laces them with and you'll be tripping all day.
Did you hear about the frog that was raised by bunnies?
All it could say was "rabbit".
Do you know why dark is written with “k” and not with “c”?
Because you can't see in the dark
How does a lumberjack know how many trees he’s cut down?
He keeps a log.
Your essays should be like a girls skirt.
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting and up on my desk by Friday midnight.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.
Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best prices!)" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best quality!) The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "Jackson's clothing store (Main entrance)."
After some pondering and experiments, I’ve made a conclusion that I can no longer reach my original weight.
8 lbs 9 oz is an unrealistic goal anyways.
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
My albino terrier was bleeding and a woman asked “is he ok!?”
I just told her that he was all white.
I tried to re-marry my ex wife
But she figured out I was only after my money.
I gave away my empty batteries.
They were free of charge!
NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.
Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus. Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.” Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.” His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.” Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan. On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath. Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door. Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop. Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?” Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!”
To the person who stole my glasses, I’m warning you
I have contacts.
I asked my son, “Hey, guess what!?” Hesitatingly, he said, “What?”
I yelled, "Good guess!"
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
5. 1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies
He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Barack Obama and a large pool of water. Barack kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Donald. The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said… "Okay, Monica, you're free to go."
Two recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight." Other recruit says "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say a band on ship."
According to a survey, 80% of the people don’t know how to use the superlative degree in English.
That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day …
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
And everything is fine because they aren't assholes.
What do you call nun in heaven?
if you guessed "heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you are wrong. The answer is "nun of the above" !
What’s the biggest moth in the world?
A mammoth.